Back to 'A' and back to the hospital....

This period of time has become a blur to me but...
I do believe a couple weeks went by but 'A' was still very unstable. The things that she once enjoyed became undesirable and the tasks that were not issues, became issues. She cried and screamed and threatened so often. There were many incidences where I probably should have called the police or taken her to the hospital but they were no help.

Heavy wood chairs were picked up and thrown, death threats were screamed...she was miserable. When I thought the situation couldn't get any worse...they did. In one moment of helplessness and exteme emotion, she picked up a knife and took off running with it. She got a wild-eyed look on her face, threatened, laughed, screamed and stabbed walls until I was able to get the knife away from her. I never thought that she'd get to that point...it's still so surreal but a reality because our knives are still locked up to this day!

One saturday, I cannot tell you what led to the incident but... it got bad. She grabbed a very large knife and went around slicing walls again. I could not get the knife from her, I feared what she could do, threatened to call the police and when she didn't drop the knife...I called 911. I kid you not....they must have sent 4-5 cars....THE NEIGHBORS WERE SO CURIOUS. 'A' dropped the knife as soon as the police came to the door and there I was answering the door with a large knife in my hand. 'A' broke down again and sobbed while 2 police sat and talked to her while the others spoke to me. They were more than kind and empathetic. When they asked her why she did what she did, her response was, "I wanted my way". They suggested that I have the ambulance take her to the hospital or that I take her. I called around to the different hospitals and found a different one. By this time, 'A' had passed out...something that was very common after she had an episode.





Two officers stayed until shortly before I left for the hospital. By this time, we were experts about going to the hospital and 'A' was as pleasant as she could be on the car ride. She was just as agreeable and pleasant in the hospital which made it very frustrating. I knew I shouldn't be frustrated because she couldn't help it but I think some probably thought I was crazy.

Several doctors came in and asked her many questions and then made the suggestion of admitting her. When we got to the ward, she was again, very agreeable and the nurse that admitted her, was more than nice. There were patients walking around, looking like zombies...it was so hard to leave her again but she was NOT safe at home.

Her father visited her during early visiting hours and he spoke to her doctors and social worker. I guess from what her father told the doctors, they were convinced that nothing was wrong with her and that she wasn't bipolar. I made an appointment to talk the social worker and doctor the next day. I came with support--from my mother, husband, and social worker...all people that knew and experienced 'A's behavior. After giving the history, the social worker seemed overwhelmed but the dr. wasn't willing to budge. I have no clue what made him change his thinking but he did budge and prescribed her Lithium--a classic medication that has been the topic of a lot of research. I asked that they keep her as long as possible so that they could monitor her in hopes of not having to send her back.

When my ex spoke to the social worker before I got a chance to meet with her, he told the social worker and 'A' that she would be living with him. Something that I did not agree upon and was not reccomended by anyone. His whole reasoning was that 'A' didn't behave the same way with him that she did with me. Ok...but like every dr. and therapist has tried to explain...she eventually will not be able to control her emotions/behavior, once the "honeymoon" phase is over. I guess he spoke against me because she repeated some words that only he would have said and shared some things with her that he should not have.

Another Dr. evaluated 'A' and called me to tell me that he had no problem diagnosing her with bipolar disorder. All he had to do was talk to her and realize that her, "I wanted my way" attitude was more than just that...it was one of the prominent symptoms of bipolar-grandiosity. Only grandiosity is often displayed as a child jumping off of a roof, believing they were superman but the undermining and opposition of authority is also a form of grandiosity. Why didn't I or anyone else realize this?!!? It was such a relief to have some understanding and insight from someone was WAS a medical professional!!! It was getting to the point where I felt like I knew more than the doctors after so many years of research and advocating for my child.

'A' stayed 5 nights in the hospital before they had no choice but to release her. She didn't appear to be unstable or psychotic so the hospital had to make room for children in immediate danger/need. I crossed my fingers, took a deep breath and held it.... It couldn't get worse....right?

NAMI | NAMIWALKS

NAMI | NAMIWALKS

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The Noise....

'A' screams a lot nowadays...A LOT. It gets to be overwhelming for everyone in the house. Sometimes things can be quiet and calm and out of nowhere a high pitched wail comes out of nowhere. Along with the screams come calling out for her daddy.

I'm not quite sure what is going on in her world but I wish she could verbalize things better than screaming. We have made it a point not to raise our voices or yell in the house and to stay calm but it seems it has gotten out of hand. Her baby sister is learning how to scream and she balls her firsts up when she does it.

I love 'A' very much but we all sometimes look forward to the 2 days of respite when she's away with her dad so that we can get some semblance of calm and QUIET...

I just have to keep reminding myself that although things are far from perfect...they sure aren't what they were at their worst!

Bet you didn't know...

All of these people have/had bipolar disorder. I decided to post this after 'A' asked me what she should be when she grows up. I told her that I didn't want her to choose mine or her father's professions unless she REALLY wanted to. I believe she chooses things we like to please us(mostly her father) but I believe she should have her own identity and find what she's good at and wants to do. So...here's the list...

Actors & Actresses

Ned Beatty
Maurice Bernard, soap opera
Jeremy Brett
Jim Carey
Lisa Nicole Carson
Rosemary Clooney, singer
Lindsay Crosby
Eric Douglas
Robert Downey Jr.
Patty Duke
Carrie Fisher
Connie Francis, singer and actress
Shecky Greene, comedian
Linda Hamilton
Moss Hart, actor, director, playright
Mariette Hartley
Margot Kidder
Vivien Leigh
Kevin McDonald, comedian
Kristy McNichols
Burgess Meredith, actor, director
Spike Milligan, actor, writer
Spike Mulligan, comic actor and writer
Nicola Pagett
Ben Stiller, actor, director, writer
David Strickland
Lili Taylor
Tracy Ullman
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Robin Williams
Jonathon Winters, comedian


Artists

Alvin Alley, dancer, choreogapher
Ludwig Von Beethoven
Tim Burton, artist, director
Francis Ford Coppola, director
George Fredrick Handel, composer
Bill Lichtenstein, producer
Joshua Logan, broadway director, producer
Vincent Van Gogh, painter
Gustav Mahier, composer
Francesco Scavullo, artist, photographer
Robert Schumann, composer
Don Simpson, movie producer
Norman Wexler, screenwriter, playwright

Entrepreneurs

Robert Campeau
Pierre Peladeau
Heinz C. Prechter
Ted Turner, media giant

Financiers

John Mulheren
Murray Pezim

Miscellaneous

Buzz Aldrin, astronaut
Clifford Beers, humanitarian
Garnet Coleman, legislator (Texas)
Larry Flynt, publisher and activist
Kit Gingrich, Newt's mom
Phil Graham, owner of Washington Post
Peter Gregg, team owner and manager, race car driver
Susan Panico (Susan Dime-Meenan), business executive
Sol Wachtier, former New York State Chief Judge

Musicians

Ludwig van Beethoven, composer
Alohe Jean Burke, musician, vocalist
Rosemary Clooney, singer
DMX Earl Simmons, rapper and actor
Ray Davies
Lenny Dee
Gaetano Donizetti, opera singer
Peter Gabriel
Jimi Hendrix
Kristen Hersh (Throwing Muses)
Phyllis Hyman
Jack Irons
Daniel Johnston
Otto Klemperer, musician, conductor
Oscar Levant, pianist, composer, television
Phil Ochs, musician, political activist, poet
John Ogden, composer, musician
Jaco Pastorius
Charley Pride
Mac Rebennack (Dr. John)
Jeannie C. Riley
Alys Robi, vocalist in Canada
Axl Rose
Nick Traina
Del Shannon
Phil Spector, musician and producer
Sting, Gordon Sumner, musician, composer
Tom Waits, musician, composer
Brian Wilson, musician, composer, arranger
Townes Van Zandt, musician, composer
Nina Simone

Poets

John Berryman
C.E. Chaffin, writer, poet
Hart Crane
Randall Jarrell
Jane Kenyon
Robert Lowell
Sylvia Plath
Robert Schumann
Delmore Schwartz

Political

Robert Boorstin, special assistant to President Clinton
L. Brent Bozell, political scientist, attorney, writer
Bob Bullock, ex secretary of state, state comptroller and lieutenant governer
Winston Churchill
Kitty Dukasis, former First Lady of Massachusetts
Thomas Eagleton, lawyer, former U.S. Senator
Lynne Rivers, U.S. Congress
Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States


Scholars

John Strugnell, biblical scholar

Scientists

Karl Paul Link, chemist
Dimitri Mihalas

Sports

Shelley Beattie, bodybuilding, sailing
John Daly, golf
Muffin Spencer-Devlin, pro golf
Ilie Nastase, tennis
Jimmy Piersail, baseball player, Boston Red Sox, sports announcer
Barret Robbins, football
Wyatt Sexton, football
Alonzo Spellman, football
Darryl Strawberry, baseball
Dimitrius Underwood, football
Luther Wright, basketball
Bert Yancey, athlete


TV & Radio

Dick Cavett
Jay Marvin, radio, writer
Jane Pauley

Writers

Louis Althusser, philosopher, writer
Honors de Balzac
Art Buchwald, writer, humorist
Neal Cassady
Patricia Cornwell
Margot Early
Kaye Gibbons
Johann Goethe
Graham Greene
Abbie Hoffman, writer, political activist
Kay Redfield Jamison, writer, psychologist
Peter Nolan Lawrence
Frances Lear, writer, editor, women's rights activist
Rika Lesser, writer, translator
Kate Millet
Robert Munsch
Margo Orum
Edgar Allen Poe
Theodore Roethke
Lori Schiller, writer, educator
Frances Sherwood
Scott Simmie, writer, journalist
August Strindberg
Mark Twain
Joseph Vasquez, writer, movie director
Mark Vonnegut, doctor, writer
Sol Wachtler, writer, judge
Mary Jane Ward
Virginia Woolf

Words from another parent...

I am a member of a support group that has been more than helpful and supportive. It is so comforting to know that I'm not alone and the things that my child and my family experiences, others have. When I need to vent or insight, I come to these wonderful people and they've never let met down! Here is a wonderful and insightful post from someone in my support group...

When dealing with all types of illnesses their is a huge amount of fight in accepting what we have to deal with, there are the phases of grief that are all turmultuous no matter how well we appear on the outside. Once we arrive at the acceptance of whatever our circumstance it is always sweet relief that we can rejoin our life with others walking down our path.

I am watching my sweet child work through the phases of grief and he has for the most part moved through quickly, bumping far backward occasionally, but working hard to move forward. He has begun to try to wrap an eight year old mind around a huge amount of adult issues and questions, he is wanting to know the difinitive answers to questions that no one can answer "how long will I have this (bipolar)", "Will I ever be able to do anything that i want to do when i grow up?", "Can I get married and have children?", "Can I ever not have to take meds?", "Will I die from this?". Unfortunately, We cannot answer those questions for him. In the last week, he has been attending day treatment, and it has been a difficult journey of self examination that many do not experience until they are adults. He asked me a question the other night after a brief bout of argument, that was so disheartening "what do you guys want me to do, rock in a corner for the rest of my life?" . He, for so long, wanted to be in the military, a police officer, then wanted to be a game warden. Unfortunately those careers are not always available to those with mental illness, and my child has had to find this out the hard way, through friends and the internet.

I have also had to walk this journey with him, as I have also had to accept this illness for what it is, I have had to time and again accept that my child probably will not be the star quarter back who marries the prom queen, that he will probably always be different than everyone else, and that there may come a time for some decisions that I still have trouble not turning a blind eye to. I have no choice as my childs mother to love him and that love comes with so much pain that at times I want to thow myself into a rage. I feel great desperation and drive to help my child understand this illness before it eats him alive. I just want him to be better, and it scares me to think what life might be if he doesn't. I understand his questions and fear and saddness, and can only console him with thoughts of the positive and how many have been able to live with this forever. I tell him you will make it because you are too strong not to. So we have a long haul and i am preprared with my knapsack and water bottle and mounds of tissues to take this journey with him, to walk, run, kick and scream until someone can make that scary darkness that follows so close behind us I think it might swallow both of us sometimes, but we can fight because if there is a big uphill there is always the sweet relief of downhill... and that downhill will be welcome when we get there. As Paul Coelho wrote; "But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for. "

The many reasons why I love 'A'

I feel like I've spent so much time dwelling on the horrible aspects of bp with 'A' that I need to tell you what a wonderful and beautiful girl she is!

I think that she is absolutely gorgeous... Big beautiful round brown eyes, curly dark hair, a beautiful smile...what more can I say?

She has always been a creative person...always into something or creative something new. Her kindergarten teacher said she was the only child that made sushi out of her play doh. I know that for some reason, she's not comfortable singing around me but I've heard her voice and it's beautiful.

She can also be the most loving and affectionate girl. She's not afraid to tell you that she loves you and has proven to be a great big sister. Her baby sister absolutely adores her....she's always calling her big sister's name!

'A'also has an unbelievably empathetic mind. From the time that she was a little, little girl she's always felt other's pain and had concern for others. If she saw someone in a wheelchair or disabled, she'd show such great concern and want to help them. Even now, she's always willing to help her 95yr old grandmother and offer an encouraging word.

I see so many possibilities for 'A'....my role is to help her focus on them, guide her and to support her.

Back to the hospital...

When we arrived at the hosptial, 'A' refused to leave the car and after much coaxing, I was able to get her out of the car. When we arrived to the ER, it was crowded and I had to check-in with 'A' hitting, pushing and biting me. They allowed us to come right back and got security to make sure she didn't get too out of hand. Several, nurses, doctors and social workers came to assess 'A' and eventually admitted her.

We were escorted to the psych unit by an officer. The nurses were surprised to see her back and 'A' really didn't want to be there a second time. We went through the same process of admittance and before I left, I told her I loved her and kissed and hugged her goodbye. I was again, physically and mentally drained.

I visited her in the hospital the next day and my husband and I both spent time with her while one stayed outside the unit with the baby. She was in good spirits again and enjoying spending time with the other children there. 'A' and her sister waived to each other through the window before we left and it was heartbreaking to leave there without both of my children.

The next morning, I met with a new social worker who appeared to be very nice and very helpful. I also met with the head psychiatrist for the unit. I explained why we were back and how I warned the previous psychiatrist about giving 'A' a stimulant and how it triggered mania. He mentioned a certain organization that offered intensive therapy but I had already checked into it. My insurance was not excepted there and we had to pay out-of-pocket. He encouraged us....let's keep it real...he threatened to call CPS if we did not get services from that organization. Talk about loading on the stress and helplessness.

The next day, the psychiatrist called me and told me that they were going to remove the stimulant and try a new anti-psychotic. He also expressed his disbelief that she had bpd and encouraged me to call the police and press charges against her next time she got "out of hand". I could NOT believe what I was hearing. I later spoke to the original social worker that I worked with and asked her if he was serious about his statement. She told me that 'A's situation was difficult and that because 'A' didn't display the negative symptoms with him, then her issues were behavioral and not emotional. She went on to tell me of how it's sometimes is beneficial to file unruly charges and have the children go before a judge. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!

I should be put in jail for filing unruly charges against my 9yr old daughter with a mental illness. Should parents file unruly charges against their children if they have asthma attacks, seizures, our tourettes??? Talk about feeling helpless...I was a wreck.

I did call the organization that offered intensive therapy and we worked out payments based on a sliding-fee scale. 'A' was released from the hospital after 4 nights. She told her father that she was going to behave with a capital B. I didn't want her to feel like she was a "bad girl" because I knew she couldn't control her emotions and I knew she wanted to keep it together but....

A must see and listen....

I just wanted to post this video/song. Eva Cassidy did the best rendition of "Wonderful World". Hearing this brings tears to my eyes... She totally made this song hers. Don't know why but this version really touches me.....
I hope you enjoy it half as much as I do.

My faith....

I felt like I needed to write this post because something that a good friend said has weighed heavy on my mind. I consider myself a Christian probably because I grew up going to church and it became an important aspect of my life and culture...I want to believe that there is a God and I believe that Jesus believed that he died for our sins. blah blah... However, I'm not an ultra-religious person...I don't go quoting the bible, I don't try to tell people that they're wrong because God or Jesus didn't do such things, I try not to be too judgemental, and I try to keep my mind open. I've done research on various religions and have come to respect and admire all aspects of various religions. My belief in the words of the bible are very limited--I believe it's simply a book of virtues or mythology. Every culture since the beginning of man has tried to find explanations to the happenings of the world and reasons for man's actions. Who am I or you to say whether or not my religion is better than yours? Isn't it simply about respecting one another, not judging one another, loving each other and doing what is right?

I guess I've seen so much judgement, people segregate themselves from each other and families divide in the name of religion. Does declaring yourself "saved" really make you better than others and/or closer to God? I've seen a lot of hypocrisy and scandal come from the church and I've seen many "saved" people do some pretty "sinful" and destructive things.

So...back to my good friend.... I was somewhat giving her an update of what was going on in my life and she actually uttered the 's' word and how I need to be...SAVED. She also went on to explain the reason for all the difficulties in my life being simply because I wasn't "SAVED". Oh but wait...she even told me locusts will begin to appear. OMG!!!!!!!!!

My friend has had a rough couple years, caring for a mother that had cancer and eventually succumbed to it this year. People tend to find religion to help them through rough times. What she experienced with her mother was terrible and I have noticed that she has become more religious in the last year...I totally understand. But, to blame life's difficulties on a person not declaring themselves "saved" is so ridiculous. Bad things happen...terrible things happen to good people. Good things sometimes happen to bad people. People rely too much on God and religion to get them through when it's God that gives people the ability to get themselves through. This post is not to offend anyone and should my good friend happen to read this one...I hope that she is not too offended.

I pray every night and try to include those that are in need in my prayers. I believe in positive thoughts turning into positive energy. I've witnessed the power of positive thoughts. I would like to get back to my spirituality--being more tuned into my surroundings, learning more about other religions, creating more positive energy and taking what I can out of everything to create serenity and harmony within my environment.

Her homecoming...

It was comforting to have 'A' home. She was very glad to finally be home and told us of what she experienced and learned in the hospital. She called just about everyone in the family to tell them of her adventures in the psych unit and gossiped about the others there too. It was there that she learned about cutting...she had a 12yr old roommate who told her all about it.

Towards the end of the of the evening, I noticed her becoming more volatile but she felt comfortable and aware enough to tell me how she was feeling. She began crying, it came out of nowhere and she wasn't able to control it. She didn't feel comfortable sleeping in her room so she cried herself to sleep in the hallway until I put her back to bed in her room.

I tried calling the psych unit and they were no help. I later found out that psych units are only to "stabilize" and discharge. They claim that insurance companies force them to discharge ASAP and the insurance company denies it. They truth is, they could care less what happens outside of the unit.

We were so greatful that 'A' had such a wonderful and devoted teacher that always kept in contact with us. When I asked how her week was going, 'A's teacher told me that 'A' wasn't able to sit still or stay quiet for any length of time and that she was a wealth of information. I imagine she was telling all of her and the rest of the family's business. I crossed my fingers and prayed that 'A' wasn't becoming more unstable but it was only a matter of time that her depression and crying turned into rage.

As each day passed, her instability became more severe. We couldn't get in to see her psychiatrist, who moved to a new practice, for 2 more weeks and it got bad very quickly. She would get off the school bus aggitated and ready for a fight. She would cry, scream, annoy, throw furniture, threaten, destroy, and do her best to get everyone involved in her world of instability. It scared the baby so much to see and hear her sister act out-of-control. Whenever she would switch into that mode, my husband would take the baby and go to the basement while I tried to keep everyone safe.

'A' totally lost control and was attacking my husband while he held a terrified and screaming toddler, when I made the difficult and quick decision to call the police. My husband hated that I had to call them because they always sent several cars and he feared what the neighbors thought was goin on in our home. Of course, when 'A' saw them coming, she broke down and felt horrible for what happened. They took her by ambulance to the hospital where they transferred her to a treatment center/hospital for mentally ill.

The intake seemed to take forever and all 'A' wanted to do was eat and go to sleep. I was very hesitant about leaving her there because it seemed that while I was there, all the nurses did was sit behind a glass barrier at a desk. I knew that she couldn't come home and that everyone was at least safe for the night. I kissed her goodnight, told her that I loved her, and left my baby in the care of strangers once again.

I called her father and gave him the details of the center. I was once again, traumatized, angry and felt so guilty for what happened. Her father and I agreed to take turns visiting her and when I got there...he came to me with tears in his eyes and asked me to have her discharged to go home with him. He was concerned about what was going on in the center. I explained to him that it was a place for mentally ill children like ours and that some were even psychotic.

'A' was as pleasant and agreeable as she could be which was somewhat frustrating for me. Once again, I had to prove and explain to the doctors that what they saw there was not the child that I sometimes had at home. After seeing how the facility was run and some of the children there, I went to my car, made some phone calls to her dad,the first hospital that she was at and the insurance company to see if a bed was available so that she could be transferred. I spoke to a supervisor who said that he'd try to get her transferred and everything seemed to be going fine when I got a call back from the supervisor and he told me that they were discharging her. I didn't even have shoes for her to come home in and ran to pick some up.

I went back in the building to talk to the supervisor and he told me that the psychiatrist spoke to 'A' and determined that she wasn't bipolar. I felt so helpless...tears began to fall from my eyes. I questioned him as to how he could make that determination without getting a history from me and talking to her for 10 minutes. I explained that 'A' wasn't psychotic like many of their patients but definately too dangerous and unstable to come home then. They apologized and ran through their discharge script and let us go.

As soon as we got in the car, 'A' began insisting that I take her to McDonalds and the ride home became a fit of screaming, crying, kicking and threatening. I told her that if she didn't stop...I would have no choice but to take her back to the hospital. As we approached the exit off the freeway, she continued and I passed the exit and headed directly to the hospital where she originally was admitted. In hindsight, I should have pulled the car over and called for an ambulance to take her because things got out-of-hand. She opened the car door and hit me off and on during the whole drive. I called the ER and let them know that we were on our way and they gave me instructions on what to do when we arrived.

Hospital Visit...

I still drop tears now when I think about having to leave my child in the hospital. When she finally arrived, I was put in a room and asked a battery of questions and told us the rules of the unit, while they prepared 'A'. They brought her in with her oversized hospital scrubs on and teddy bear that they gave her. I kissed her, told her I loved her and said goodbye and shortly after, I was escorted out. This was so difficult because I'm the cautious parent that is particular about where she goes and who she stays with and always watching her like a hawk to make sure she is safe.

I don't recall ever being so full of emotion and crying so much in my life. I was emotionally and physically drained...I was angry, I was fearful, I was in shock, I was hurting for my family and for my little girl.

She was always so happy to see me and strangely was alright being in the hospital during her first stay. My family met me at the hospital--my 95 yr old grandma, sister, neice and nephews came for the adventure but the children weren't permitted in the unit. My sister watched the baby while my mother and I visited with 'A' We talked a little, she changed into the clothes I brought from home, she told us about the activities, and as I was combing her hair, the psychiatrist called me in.

The psychiatrist told me that he wanted to start her on a stimulant for ADHD. I was VERY hesitant about them giving her a stimulant because of her reaction to them in the past. My mother reminded me that we were in a hospital and to try it while she was being monitored in that setting. We were then called into a meeting with the Social Worker who got 'A's' history and appeared to be empathetic. She often repeated how complicated and difficult 'A's' case was. I felt the need to meet with the social worker first w/o 'A's' father being there because of his tendency to overspeak and monopolize the conversation but asked her to meet with him another time. 'A' was brought in to discuss what happened with us and very openly spoke of the proper way to handle herself and how she was going to do different.

She stayed 3 nights in the hospital and it pained me to leave her every time. I'll never forget her waving to her baby sister through the glass of the unit and her sister being so excited to see her. 'A' really seemed to like the structure of the hospital and the nurses noticed this too so they made things a little more difficult for her before she left.

Before she left, 'A's' father and I met with the psychiatrist. He told us that he didn't believe that she was bipolar and that the two parent's home needed to be run similar. His observation was that she didn't display psychotic behavior in the hospital and she was very agreeable. I respectfully told him that I had no doubt that she was bipolar and it wasn't uncommon for bipolar children to be able to "hold it together" in certain situations. Things were going her way up until a few hours before she was discharged. I also expressed my concern that she was manic due to the stimulant and that I hoped she would not be returning to the hospital. How I wish that I was wrong!

What brought us here...

I don't really know where to begin this entry because I still can't tell you how we got to this point. 'A' began the school yr and shortly after, began having more difficulty at home. Her therapist that she had seen for a year, moved out of town and shortly after, her mood swings became more severe. She came home one day very aggitated and it quickly escalated into her hanging herself off a 2nd story ledge. Did I really think she was going to hurt herself? Not really... but I AM aware that mistakes happen when people become unstable or unhappy. 'A's father encouraged me to call the police in hopes of getting her calmed down. A female officer, who was very nice and understanding, came out to speak to 'A' and de-escalate. Luckly, 'A' still fears the police and the sight of the officer seemed to jolt her back into reality. She encourged us to call back if we had any other problems.

I discussed the situation with her father and we decided it would be best for her to stay with him for a period of time until I found additional help for her and it gave us a little respite. She ended up staying with him for 3 weeks and this was the first time that her dad participated in her psychiatric appointments.

She came home after that time and believed that she could "behave" and "do better" yet shortly after she returned...the behavior started back up. The door slamming, screaming, threatening, sneaking of food, undermining rules, opposition, defiance, disrespect, refusal to acknowledging boundaries, lying, and sneaking came to a head. I could not tell her "no" without there being a huge meltdown or rage. I tried everything that I knew to give her consequences. At one point, the tv, computer, phone, and outside priviledges were all taken away and it seemed to have no effect on her behavior.

I tried taking 'A' to another therapist who met with me, her father and 'A'...only to make the statement, "wow, she's really bipolar...what do you want me to do with her?" Needless to say, that ended that with the crazy therapist. I wonder if I would keep my job as a special education teacher if I told a parent, "wow, your kid is really retarded...I don't think I can educate him/her."

What made things worse was, her father got into the mode of always wanting to please her, trying to make up for the first couple years of her life that he wasn't around and 'A' learned to manipulate her father to get her way with him. Her father, being a musician, always had 'A' on the go, moving from one student's house to another or she would be at his home with a sitter while he worked. We were in the beginning phase of working towards both his home and my home becoming more similar and structured before her last therapist moved away. 'A' seemed to have more and more difficulty moving from the unstructured and limitless boundaried environment of her dad's house to the structure and boundaries of my home.

One afternoon she came home aggitated but it had a much stronger intensity. She very quickly escalated into threatening to kill herself and meaning it at the time. She hung herself over the ledge again but moved to her bedroom screaming, "I want to die", where I found her on her way out of her 2nd floor window. I was home alone with the baby and had no clue what to do but immediately called 911 and they sent officers and an ambulance. When they came, she saw the police and broke-down crying. I asked that they bring her to the hospital for evaluation. She was transferred and admitted to the psych unit. 5 months later and it still seems so surreal. My 9 year old baby threatened to kill herself and was admitted to the psychiatric unit of a hospital. Our lives were totally turned upside down.

A new beginning

When 'A' was 7, I got married and pregnant a month after. That summer, we tried weaning her off of meds and putting her on a supplement that many found success with. I wasn't finding great success but I really wanted to. It was a loooong summer. My morning sickness set in and I spent a lot of time in bed or in the bathroom. 'A' was even more miserable...angry, running away daily, on edge, threatening other children and almost climbing walls.

I realized that she wouldn't be able to function in school if I didn't take her back to the psychiatrist. She saw a new one that I really liked and who seemed to really know her schtuff. She was a mother, empathetic and actually listened to us. She saw 'A' for 5 mins. and told me that she'll end up getting kicked out of school if she didn't get on a good medication.

I also took her to an alternative medicine doctor in hopes that he'd fill in the missing pieces. They did a series of tests that are not done in "normal" doctors offices and even did an expensive neurotransmitters test. They found some deficiencies, one important and significant one was seratonin which is responsible for mood--mainly depression. They also found that she is high in aluminum. I wasn't too surprised by this because shots are being preseved with almuminum now. Research has found that aluminum is responsible for many brain disorders and malfunctions and although I used a delayed schedule, she was fully immunized.

We started her on meds and saw an improvement but things weren't "perfect"...but what IS perfect? I would love to go back now to where we were then!!!

Towards the end of my pregnancy, we strangely started house shopping because we had a buyer of our house-'A's' dad. Odd but we jumped on it because of this terrible housing market. So, 4 days before my due date, we moved. 'A' transitioned very well into her new home, new school, and position of big sister. I had to be induced when I was week overdue and 'A' became a big sister to a 9lb 2oz baby sister. She was VERY happy and a great help!

'A's' academics improved greatly in the new school, she quickly made new friends, and things seemed to be going very well for her.