Birthdays...Friends....Dr. Phil and More Court...

I know it's quite a heading but I haven't had the chance to post and I figured I better get it all in on one post.

Ok... My sweet, darling, intelligent, ecclectic, eccentric little girl is now 10. In one sense, I still feel like a 23 yr old new mother and in another...I just feel like I've already lived quite a long life. Thinking back to when 'A' was born, I was soooo in love. I don't think I've ever had that feeling of being so proud and enamored with anyone before. She was just perfect. Beautiful...gorgeous. She came out with a head full of black--black hair and beautiful brown eyes and I just couldn't believe that she came from me. Having her in my arms totally made me forget about what a miserable pregnancy I had and I was on a mission to finish move on with my life (without her father), finish school, and be the best mother and provider that I could. I remember the first week of her life, just looking at this perfect baby and crying...I now know it was mostly the hormones getting to me. I never could understand the expression of being choked up but looking at her, playing with her, interacting with her was amazing to me and it honestly took my breath away. In spite of all that has happened in her 10 short years...I honestly love being a mother.

Enough of that mush... I had a laser tag party for 'A' and let me tell you, I had just as much fun, or more...than the kids. Anyway, as the day of her party approached I got nervous because no one RSVP'd. I hoped that people were just being trifling and were going to show up at the place. I don't need to say much other than...it happened. None of her classmates showed up to the party. My heart broke for her when she came to me crying about no one showing up, I reminded her that she had a room full of family that supported her and loved her and that was whats most important. But...you dont' want to hear that shit when you're 10. I know. It breaks my heart that she has not one friend...I cry for her. I so want her to have friends but I know what happens when it gets past the "honeymoon phase". She can become very controlling, possessive, and mean and these are all things that I've tried and tried to make her aware of and help her through. I was a different kind of kid...and never had a bunch of friends. Hell, I'm a different kind of person now and I don't fit into any category now nor do I want to and I'm alright with not having a bunch of good friends. However, adults are more accepting...I guess....well, sometimes. Anyway, My hopes for 'A' are that she is able to have healthy relationships in the future. Her one cousin was her unofficial best friend until 'A' had a terrible "episode" while she was visiting over break. Sigh...

Ok...Dr. Phil...
I guess he's not as bad as I thought. He did a story on a couple in Michigan who hired a surrogate to have their child and when the surrogate found out that the woman that hired her had an unspecified psychotic disorder, she took the babies (twins) back after their birth. I guess the laws are kinda funky in Michigan where the surrogate has rights until an official adoption has been made. Dr. Phil, surprisingly impressed me when he showed his total disgust and disagreement with the surrogates actions. What an unthinkable thing to do and how devastated this couple must have been. The mother provided documented proof that she hadn't had a psychotic episode in over 8yrs, had maintained a good job for 20yrs, and was stable for yrs on medication. My heart breaks for this couple who thought they were going to be parents of the many victims of ignorant people who look at mental illness like this. I'm sure the surrogat mother wouldn't have taken back a baby if the hired mother once had cancer. Ughh....we've got a long way to go in raising awareness about mental illness!!

Ok, court... Well, it continues. My ex is still fighting this.... He still wants shared parenting even though the Guardian ad Litem has made a recommendation that no custody changes be made. I wont tell you how expensive this has gotten but it's gone in the thousands and my guess is that, it will go to trial because my ex is too much of a fucking idiot to let it go. So, people ask me all the time what he's doing. I don't know. People have told me their thoughts... (This all started when I asked him to pay 1/2 of her medical bills-((which he's responsible for 90+%)) Others think that he hasn't moved on and still carries a torch (he hasn't been in a relationship since we divorced 10 YEARS AGO). It did all started when I made/enforced boundaries after I got married again and had another child. Whatever it is....it needs to end soon. It's really taking a toll on my family and friends--emotionally and financially. I just wish he'd get a damn life, realize its going nowhere and end it!!! I have another court date in a couple weeks...Yippee...more wasted time, stress and $$$.

Forgive me for the typos....Raspberry Riesling has been my keyboard companion.

An unquiet mind...

I love sleep and it seems that everytime I lay down to take a nap or go to bed, my mind won't rest. I can't imagine what 'A' sometimes goes through because her unquiet mind is often full of dark, lonely and scary thoughts. Mine is just full of everything and I must say, I generate some great ideas during these periods.

I look forward to knowing what 2010 will bring but also fear it. This horrible illness wreaked havoc on my family in 2009 and I'm not so sure if my relationship with my husband can endure another period of extreme instability. During my restlessness, the memory of 'A' when she was quickly spiralling downward and asking me to choke her because she wanted to die, keeps replaying in my mind. I will do everything within my power for my child not to suffer like that ever again in her life.

People keep warning me about what will happen when 'A' reaches her teenage years and the "hormones start kicking in". I've heard many horror stories and it scares the shit out of me....my stepson has started heading down the wrong path but he has very little parenting.... and that's another story. I've also heard from others that adolescents brought on stability and awareness for their children and their lives made positive changes. Please let this be the case for our family!

'A' hasn't been manic since I posted last. I am hoping that the mania was induced by exhaustion. We have been on the go for over 2 weeks and I think it just caught up to her. She actually slept in until 8:30am yesterday! I will be crossing my fingers and holding my breath.

The court battle still continues. I have yet to understand why we're still wasting hundreds of dollars when 'A's court appointed attorney made the reccomendation that no changes be made with custody. 'A's father has yet to pay a dime of any of her medical bills and I had to withdraw my retirement account to pay for them.

'A' is becoming more and more angry with her father and we are trying to understand why. We had to block his phone numbers from calling our home because he was so disruptive to our home, calling several times a day. I've tried to make clear boundaries and asked him for years to limit his calls to once a day and she has even questioned him about why he calls so often. When she is busy and can't call him, he questions her and it has become very unhealthy. She says that he has anger issues and they are constantly arguing. She basically describes herself as walking on eggshells when she is with him because he has explosive episodes. She has now gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go to his house but feels obligated. I know that I am going against the temporary visitation schedule by telling her that she doesn't have to go with him, but her stability, and well-being is what's most important. Do I need the break of having a day of downtime....yes but this is what I signed up for when I chose to be a parent and I live for my family...perhaps I'll relax in 20 more years?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!