The beginning...

I was 2 days shy of 23 when 'A' was born. It was a tough road bringing her in the world. I was about 6 months pregnant when I made the decision to leave. I stayed upset and sick and came to the realization that I wasn't only responsible for myself but for the little person I was carrying. It was after a couple attempts at reconciliation, that I decided to move forward with a divorce and a month before she turned one, it became official.


She was 7 days late, I was just miserable and finally decided to be induced after hours of labor with no progress. Even then, it was a long labor. She finally entered the world weighing 8lbs 15 1/2oz (9lbs) and was absolutely gorgeous. I loved being a mother--I settled eaisily and comfortably into the role of a single parent.

To say that 'A' wasn't an easy baby was an understatement but I had nothing to compare her to. However, I knew something wasn't quite right. She had about of week of the normal newborn life-sleeping, pooping, eating. She soon became the baby that never slept, her day consisted of a few cat naps and other than that, she was always awake and taking everything into her round brown eyes. I would always get reactions out of people when they'd ask her age and I'd respond with 12 wks, 15 wks...etc. etc. "She seems so much older", "you're joking", would often be their responses.

Nights were rough she would wake every 20 mins. through the night unless she sleeping right under me. I was living with my mother at the time and after raising 3 children, she was puzzled by this baby that never slept. Crying it out never worked for 'A', I never felt comfortable with it but I was looking for anything to help. Imagine what bliss I was in when I had my second child and she took 3hr naps and put herself to sleep.

'A' crawled and walked on-time, she was speaking in sentences by 15 months. She smiled a lot and cried a lot. The sleepless nights continued through her toddler years. She would wake up several times at night with the look of terror and screaming as if she was being tortured. By age three, she was able to verbalize some of what she was experiencing and by age four her ability to express her feeling in detail, was mind-blowing. By age four, I began my search for help for my troubled toddler.

She still woke up several times at night, only she screamed and cried, threatened, and tantrumed...for hours all through the night. Anything that had a face on it--pictures, blankets, pillows, dolls, etc. came to life and terrorized her. She became paranoid and often came screaming and running into my room telling me that people were trying to kill her.... Then came the voices that never seemed to tell her anything but would utter sounds, whispers and illegible words. Soon after, she began seeing things that weren't there... Now that I think about it, the visual and auditory hallucinations started long before she was able to tell me. Many people just believed the hallucinations were the product of an overactive imagination but I don't know many happily playing children that come running to their parents in terror because they've seen and heard things that weren't really there.


Many of the things that children experience and find pleasure in were the source of anxiety for A. She was hyper-sentitive to everything, mainly sights and sounds. Fireworks were out (a huge source for anxiety), parades, amusement parks, museums, certain people (if their looks were in any way different), Chuck E Cheese, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy....the list goes on but Icannot thing of the others. The hypersensitivity led to obsessions, which led to sleepless nights, which led to exhaustion, which led to tantrums/meltdowns. It was a viscious cycle that kept getting worse.

Now that I look back, 'A' had a lot of toys because I thought all children should have a toy box or 2 full of them. Toys that if she didn't destroy after a week, she never played with. She would beg for toys...high tech gadgets, V-smiles, personal games, radios, dolls, etc...and when she got them she would find some bizarre way to make them unusable--once she undressed a doll, I knew she'd either destroy it or it would be left somewhere to collect dust. I really think she had good intentions with her toys but she didn't know how or couldn't make use of them......


To be continued