The beginning (continuation)....Monster in My Brain

'A' seemed to either be crying or laughing...the fears, paranoia, unhappiness, hallucinations and anxiety continued. Taking her out in public was often a chore and resulted in leaving stores and restaurants because of defiant behavior or a terrible tantrum over not getting the 10 toys she wanted. She began verbalizing her feelings and experiences better and she shared them with my mother and grandmother. She would come to us crying and screaming, telling us that she was "miserable" at age 4. My mother and I questioned if she really knew the meaning of the word miserable but her explanation of "when you feel really, really bad" was enough for us to want to help her. After episodes of tantruming and crying, she was able to talk about her experiences and told us that there was a "monster in her brain "that she "can't get get out"

It always amazes me how insightful children with bipolar are. All you have to do is ask and they can provide you with so much!

I had no choice but to seek help for my suffering child. We first started with a therapist that spent more time telling me how difficult life is being a single-parent and how she believed young children should not be brought out in public. All I wanted was for her to talk to 'A' and ask her how she was feeling and what was going on in her world. Obviously, she was spewing insanity but she still felt 'A's' issues were not in the realm of "normal". So, she referred us to a psychiatrist that sais she was too young to work with and sent us back to the therapist. The therapist referred us back to another psychiatrist that diagnosed her with sensory integration dysfunction, told us that she was very young but would work with us in the future. I was so relieved to finally get help for my "miserable" child but that was short-lived. It turned out that he was just finishing his residency when we saw him and when it was time for us to return, he left the hospital. I felt so helpless...

At this time, 'A's father was graduallybecoming present in her life. It took him quite some time to decide to get his life together. He quit abusing drugs and alchohol and smoking so I felt comfoetable allowing him to be more present in her life. He never seemed to have the same experiences with 'A' that I did but he often heard the screaming and crying on the phone. I made the mistake (I'll explain later) of calling him and allowing him to come over from time to time to help get her calm and into bed.

I still continued my search of finding help for 'A' and decided to drop the therapist that had unrealistic expectaions of parents. My sister told me of a co-worker that had a child that was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and suggested I research early-onset bipolar disorder. Here is the list of symptoms that I found:

• euphoria (elevated mood)—silliness or elation that is inappropriate and impairing
  grandiosity yep


• flight of ideas or racing thoughts yep


• more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking yep


• irritability or hostility when demands are not met yep


• excessive distractibility yep


• decreased need for sleep without daytime fatigue yep


• excessive involvement in pleasurable but risky activities (daredevil acts, hypersexuality) yep


• flight of ideas or racing thoughts yep


• poor judgment yep


• hallucinations and psychosis yep


• lack of joy and pleasure in life yep


• withdrawal from activities formerly enjoyed yep


• agitation and irritability yep


• pervasive sadness and/or crying spells yep


• sleeping too much or inability to sleep yep


• drop in grades or inability to concentrate later but yep


• thoughts of death and suicide yep


• fatigue or loss of energy


• feelings of worthlessness yep


• significant weight loss, weight gain or change in appetite


• Severe and recurring depression yep (for a 4yr old)


• Explosive, destructive or lengthy rages, especially after the age of four yep


• Extreme sadness or lack of interest in play


• Severe separation anxiety yep


• Talk of wanting to die or kill themselves or others yep (later)


• Dangerous behaviors, such as trying to jump from a fast moving car or a roof yep


• Grandiose belief in own abilities that defy the laws of logic (possessing ability to fly) yep


• Sexualized behavior unusual for the child’s age yep


• Impulsive aggression yep


• Delusional beliefs and hallucinations yep


• Extreme hostility yep (later)


• Extreme or persistent irritability yep


• Telling teachers how to teach the class, bossing adults around yep


• Creativity that seems driven or compulsive yep


• Excessive involvement in multiple projects and activities all the time


• Compulsive craving for certain objects or foods yep


• Hearing voices telling them to take harmful action


• Racing thoughts, pressure to keep talking yep


• Sleep disturbances, including gory nightmares or not sleeping very much yep


• Drawings or stories with extremely graphic violence


• Family history of bipolar yep


• One or more parent that abused substances or alchohol yep

I immediately went to the book store and bought the book, "The Bipolar Child" and it was so helpful for me... The stories and examples had such strong similiarities to my daughter. I felt so relieved to know that we weren't alone in our experiences but it terrified me to know how terrible things could get before they got better.