An aching heart

My husband and I went to visit 'A' this evening in the hospital. She greeted us with a glassy-eyes, a beautiful smile and huge hug. It took all I had to hold the tears back. Because she is what they described to be equivalent to a "repeat offender", they have her in isolation from the others, making her sit at a desk, completing worksheets all day. No television, no significant human contact...just "busy work" and sleep. She begged us to take her home...promised to do better but we explained to her our fears and concerns with bringing her home without a plan or any real changes. My husband and I discussed our frustration and helplessness on the ride home even he was tempted to bring her home with us. Realistically, we know that we can't but who knows if we'll even get the help that we need.

When 'A' stepped away, my husband and I discussed the possible reasons why she was being treated like a criminal and even tried to rationalize things...thinking they were possibly trying to trigger an episode like those she has at home. Before we left, I spoke to a nurse and asked her to explain her isolation and she told me that this is how they do things when children are readmitted during a short period of time. So, my explanation was that 'A' did not want to even return to the hospital but was there because she has an illness and cannot control her emotions in certain situations and environments. I reminded her that her meds weren't even adjusted last time she was in the hospital and I asked why she is being punished. Her reponse was...'A's issues are behavioral. I had to walk away or they'd be admitting me for a psychotic episode.

Why is it that no one seems to understand a fucking thing? If the mental health "professionals" cant find it in the diagnostic manual, it's like it cannot or does not exist. They leave no room for gray areas and definitely no room for these illnesses/symptoms to ever be exclusive to the individual. Every damn book that I read on pediatric bipolar disorder describes how, for whatever reason, some kids have the ability to internalize their emotions, only to eventually unload at home or wherever or with whomever they find safe zones or safe people. So, here we are...once again, having to prove ourselves and educate the so called professionals.

I have a meeting with the social worker and psychiatrist tomorrow and I will come with videos to prove that she does have triggers and rage like the other kids in the hospital...everyday!

I made the mistake of talking to her father this morning...he still keeps getting at taking her off her meds and having her live with him. She might completely lose ground and never come back if I allow that.

I also did some research on similar disorders... Her recent symptoms look more like something called schizoaffective disorder.

My husband and I are determined to walk out of the meeting with a plan...something. My heart just aches.... 2 1/2 more weeks until her big appointment and it cannot come any sooner!!!

Can anyone hear us!?!?!

Tonight, I whispered, "I love you" and kissed 'A' on her forehead before I left her, once again in the hospital. I'm sure I sound like a broken record but...I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated and helpless, I feel right now. This is 'A's sixth hospital stay in a year and a half period! We have to do or find something that works...

This past weekend has been more than hectic, with a very unstable child and preparing for my husband's retirement party. All week, 'A' has been struggling with stability and I believe, having episodes of psychosis. She started school last week, which has always been a trigger for her. Thankfully, she still maintains the ability to internalize her emotions until she gets home. All I can say is, at least there we have that. Because of a cancellation, she was able to get an appointment with her psychiatrist on the first day of school. 'A' became hypomanic in her office but did not lose complete control, like in the past. Her psych put her on, yet another med (this makes 4) because she STILL believes 'A' has ADHD but this one is, at least, a non-stimulant. It has proven to be absolutely uselsess in controlling her rapid-cycling or even slowing the mania. Why??? Because 'A' does not have ADHD....she has bipolar disorder with acute mania!!! ( I wish I had the time, brains, and money to go back to school for a degree in psychiatry.) In the last week, she has started to go through periods where she gets this glazed over look on her face, appears intoxicated, speaks incoherently, sometimes becomes paranoid, paces and appears to be speaking her own language. I even recorded the episodes and sent them to her doctor....the worthless doctor that has yet to respond to me after 4 days. I thought these new symptoms could be because of the new med, so I stopped giving it to her...sure wish I had a doctor to consult. RIDICULOUSLY FRUSTRATING!

We did have a nice break from the instability and chaos while 'A's step-sister came to spend the weekend with us for the party. I found that breaks from her routine and constant stimulation help to keep her from sinking into instability. Our special visitor and the party were great distractions but the party only lasted a day, our visitor had to leave, and realistically, it's impossible for me to provide constant stimulation and distractions. Even with the stimulation and distractions, she struggled with maintaining stability.

Things got pretty bad today...and I...WE made the decision that it couldn't go on any longer. So, I made my call to the hospital of choice to see if there were beds available, put my protesting (and psychotic?) daughter in the car as she cried and spoke "her language" until she passed out and made the drive to the hospital. When she arrived they spoke with her, looked into her eyes and noticed her blank affect and fixed pupils, and didn't even bother with getting the psych unit to evaluate her before they admitted her. As I filled out the paperwork in the unit, the nurse reminded me of what a great patient "A" is while there and how he believed this was all "behavioral". I reminded him, as I've had to remind many others, (including her psychiatrist) that this is NOT 'A' and not how she wants to be or feel...and what a loving, bright and caring child she is. Residential and respite were very briefly mentioned and my heart sunk... As it stands now, she's unmanageable and I'm not sure if our home can function with the chaos....but I'm her mom and she's my baby...

Something I came across

As I gather information to take to the upcoming "big" appointment. I read over a psych eval done about a year ago and here are some of the questions and 'A's answers on a behavioral assessment.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself. (TRUE)
Other kids hate to be with me. (Often)
I hate school. (Sometimes)
I feel sad. (Often)
I feel like my life is getting worse and worse (Sometimes)
I hear voices in my head that no one else can hear (Often)
Other people make fun of me. (Sometimes)

This breaks my heart...

A new school year...

Tomorrow starts a new school year and 'A' will be a fifth grader. Unfortunately, she'll already be missing part of her school day so that she can go see her psychiatrist. I can't voice my frustration enough with her psychiatrist and her office. The office was aware that 'A' was recently in the hospital and when I asked for an emergency appointment, they gave me the end of the week. Luckily, someone canceled and we were able to get in.

Since her discharge from the hospital, 'A' has been cycling all day, everyday. I was so hopeful that she was better and that this could possibly be a relatively stable, peaceful and happy school year. One moment she's manipulating, lying, screaming, teasing or aggravating her sister, telling us that she going to poison us, telling us she wants to die, trying to get us to physically fight her and the next moment... she's fine--happy, being a great sister, being helpful, telling us how she's feeling better and going to do better in the future. Then there's a trigger (from wanting something she can't have to her sister crying)or sometimes none and that negative behavior starts up again. I can't express how ugly and wicked this disorder is...it turns her into a creature that feeds off of cruelty and chaos and does anything and everything to suck you in. Surprisingly, my father is doing his best to be helpful but even he has no clue. He told me to just "talk to her, get her to do thing with me, go for a walk,"...etc...etc. Well, he quickly learned after spending a few hours with us, that when she is in that unstable mode, there is nothing that you can say or do that will distract her until she/the disorder has cycled through. She has also been ravenously hungry...this is partially because of the medicine but also an indicator of increased instability. In fact, her psychiatrist advised me to give her a certain medicine that she used to take which basically slows her down or stops the mania, only when she is increasingly unstable. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I gave it to her but I did give her some a couple days ago and it did absolutely nothing....for me, another indicator that she is quickly spiraling into extreme instability and/or cycling in and out of psychosis.

2 days ago, I just had to leave the house and sit on the porch because it was too much for me. I sat on the front steps with tears pouring down my face...feeling once again, helpless. I called and left a message for her psychiatrist who got back to me very quickly (normally it's about 24+hrs later) and felt even more helpless after getting off the phone with her. She claimed that the hospital said that they were going to increase her meds and the hospital told me that she advised them not to. So...who to believe? But wait.. who the fuck cares? I have a child that keeps cycling into psychosis and all the psych told me to do was either give her benadryl or increase one of her meds to basically sedate her. I asked the psych if I should continue basically sedating her all day and her response was....it's behavioral because she is always fine in the hospital. It took all I had not to totally go off but I reminded her that this is NOT my daughter nor the way she wants to act. I'm not a perfect parent but there is consistency yet flexibility, rules and consequences in my home when she is stable and even when she is not. I have read in just about every book that for whatever reasons, children with bp can often "hold it together" in certain situations (often school) for short period of time and then unload at home or with those closest to them. Some say there is actually a chemical interaction/response/exchange when a child is the company of their mother. There is so much research needed... I even called the hospital because they told me to call back with any other issues....big mistake. The nurse spewed the whole "behavioral" word at me too but told me to bring her in if I wanted and she could be reevaluated. I had to choose between semi-sedation at home or back in the hospital where she could easily come home even more unstable. So, I gave her an extra half of a pill and it totally knocked her out. She couldn't keep her head up, or keep her eyes open...the evening was uneventful, only because she slept most of it away. I feel so guilty and angry that tears well up in my eyes everytime I think about how unfair it is that she's been tortured for so long and robbed of a happy childhood full of playing outside, friends, sleepovers, parties and just "normal kid stuff"....probably things most parents take for granted.

Today, I finally made the decision to take her to an institute that specializes in Pediatric Mood disorders. The head of the institute is the author of "What works for bipolar kids" and rated as one of the U.S. top psychiatrists by two different sources. I've heard from many that she "gets it" and has brought stability to many families. It's very expensive (they don't accept insurance) and I have to make the drive to Chicago but hey, we as parents, do what we have to do and if it means that 'A' will be happy, have less-anxiety, decreased depression and mood swings, and live a "normal" 10yr old life...12hrs of travelling every few months is nothing!

Please God, not again...

I type this as a I take a break from rummaging through my library of books on bipolar disorder in children. Once again, I'm immersing myself in these many chapters...hoping that there's something else...praying that perhaps I overlooked something that could possibly turn her around and help this poor suffering girl and our family.

'A' just got back from her 3 night stay at the hospital and the 2 days that she has been home have been more than challenging. She's stayed out of the hospital for over a year and I don't think I even battled with making the decision of having her admitted during that whole time. Don't get me wrong, times were very rocky and tumultuous but nothing like what we experienced earlier this week. After spending a week with her father, she came home agitated which quickly led to anger and then quickly led to depression. This was clearly depression where before she was often in a mixed-state and it was difficult to identify the depressive moments through the mania. All she thought about was how angry she was with her father, how much she hated herself and how much she wished to die. Everything that she came in contact with, she thought of ways to use it to end her life. She would jerk her body back and forth, almost trying to jolt herself back into reality and into feeling like herself and behavior that was once outward (destructive to everything and everyone around her) became inward. Then suddenly, she'd snap out of it and behave "normal" only to return back into that helpless world. We thought that she would sleep it off and be better the next day like she normally does a day or so after visiting with her father but this time, her first words after waking up were "I hate my father, I hate myself, I want to die." She kept asking for help and asking to talk to someone but we're in between therapists and finding a decent one is more than a challenge. You can't ignore this behavior so I decided it was time to take her in. I don't think that she was home 24hrs before I took her into the hospital. My father and step-mother did not want me to take her in...my father asked that I take her to his house but I told him that was a temporary fix. She might feel better for a period, hold it together as best as she could but come home and unload, and perhaps even worse than before.

Intake was about 5hrs and there were times that she got aggitated and projecting her frustration on me and I spent a lot of time outside her room, looking in on her because of this. Finally, she was taken up to the unit and we said our goodbyes. Before I left, she asked that I not tell her father because, "he'll be so mad at me". I had to explain once again that I had full custody of her and under no circumstances should they talk to him before me or make any decisions for her. (last time he told them that nothing was wrong with her and they were ready to release her) It was so surreal going through that once again....having to leave my baby in the hospital for the 5th time in her short 10yrs of life.

I didn't even call 'A's' father...just left him an email because I knew that if I called...it would be the same ole shit...I'd be verbally attacked, etc. etc. He would tell me what a "perfect little girl she was and what a great time they had and then say she got really anxious before coming home". So, basically blame me for her behavior. I did as I was supposed to...I told him. Sure enough...his response was as I said.


I made arrangements for my step-mother to go see her and I spoke with 'A' on the phone. I was on the phone and in the office of her previous therapist, trying to get it started again. Her therapy wasn't covered by insurance and based on a sliding fee scale, we were expected to pay $1100/month. I filed appeals with no success but since my husband retired in the last couple weeks, our income has dropped, making the fee more reasonable. The only trouble with restarting therapy was, my ex-husband appears to still be in denial of her diagnosis and treatment because he hadn't paid them in months. They wanted the full ammount before she came back. I can go on for years about how grossly flawed our court system is, to give clueless and irresponsible parents all the rights they desire. They don't have to pay a dime to support the children and the brunt of the support is placed upon the primary caregiver. Let's think about this...I spent a year in court battling my ex-husband who owes thousands of dollars in support for our child's care, spent thousands of dollars for an idiotic guadian ad litem, spent thousands of dollars on an attorney, wasted time that I could have been devoted to my family and spent time away from my job. I'm even getting billed for court fees on a custody case that i didn't even file!!! So unfair and this asshole continues to not support his child while they give him as much visitation and even more than he desires. Visitation that I warned the court could be detrimental to my daughter's stability. They didn't care because it's all about "parental rights"...not about the children and in this case, a special needs child. You pretty much have to beat the shit out of a child for "parental rights" to be revoked and even then that's only temporary. I have family members and friends whose "baby daddy's" haven't paid shit for years, and they still have rights to come and go as they please. Excuse my language but That's really FUCKED UP! (Ok...I've stepped off of my soapbox)

'A'She shared with me that she was doing a lot of talking and crying...something that she wasn't able to do at her previous stays. 'A' also called my mother and asked her to be there when her father visited so I picked my mother up on my way to evening visiting hours. She was still very down and tearful, and said she felt "like she was in jail" as tears poured down her facel. Hearing her say that just broke my heart and my mothers too. We cried and I held her.

The next day, we met with the hospital social worker and the psychiatrist. We told the social worker our concerns, Aminah spoke quite a bit and shared with us her fears regarding her father. She told us that he scares her and manipulates her into thinking that he's having a heart attack when she begins to melt down. The social worker shared her concerns with boundaries but recommended that 'A' take a break from the lengthy and frequent visits with her father until 'A' learns better coping skills. She also mentioned that she would suggest therapy for him. Sounded like a great plan until she met with him and I'm sure he fed her the same shit and obviously she bought it and told me that she "didn't want to take sides". My response was that it's not about taking sides...it's about advocating for and acting in the best interest of 'A'. Like normal, 'A' was very agreeable and pleasant while in the hospital. So, they released her without a med adjustment and just recommended continued therapy. I went to get her from the hospital, thinking this would soon be behind us and she'd be able to start a new school year relatively stable.


To be Continued....

Moving on...

I've been afraid to say much for fear that something else would come up but...I think it's FINALLY over. Well, the court stuff is over...I think. It's funny, no--actually, it's ridiculous that it took a year from our lives, so much time and so much money have been spent and nothing much has changed. NOTHING! Well, in regards to his invovlement with 'A'...nothing has changed. He still gets to see her just as much as before and truthfully, I don't think he really wants her as much as he requested. Time will tell...

Now that the court shit appears to be over, I can actually mourn for my losses. This past year has been rough...I've lost many friends and even close family members over all of this. I found out that many of the people that I thought were my friends (including my ex), actually were not and the family that I thought would have my back, did not. I guess some friends felt like they needed to take sides and they chose his. What has gotten back to me is that I'm "just drugging my child because nothing is wrong with 'A' and I've turned from a once nice person, to a ghetto child abuser." OK?? How disappointing to think that people can be so weak-minded and believe the first thing that they hear. I would like to ask them how it's possible for little me to diagnose and prescribe medication. Gosh, forget the 5+ mental health professionals that treated/diagnosed her...it's all on me. It sure would be nice to make the $$ that child psychiatrists make. : ) I wouldn't dare comment or judge someone for something that I have no clue about...'A's condition is so complex and difficult that I'm still seeking information and adding books/data to my collection. I wonder how long I will keep encountering these people... I wish I didn't get disappointed so easily.

A good thing that came out of all of this is, my dad who, for many, many years, blamed me for 'A's behavior, finally accepted her diagnosis. If only 'A's father would open his eyes, read a book, join a support group, etc....she'd have a whole lot of positive energy working to help her. It was my stepmother, a person that I considered a friend and parent, eventually betrayed me. To make a long story short, I saw it coming to this months before. She oddly maintained communication with my ex and would tell me some of the things/lies he told her about me and my family. I often questioned why she would even listen to those things, and why she even communicated with him. All my ex had to do was talk about me once to my mother, and she put an end to any communication with him. I'll spare you the exact details but, my step-mother's communication with my ex continued and one incident made me say enough was enough. After I brought it to her attention that her actions were unthinkable, she blew it off and made my feelings insignificant. Needless to say, an apology was never even considered. Yes, I could forgive and forget but the wound was deep and has not healed yet. Unfortunately, my biggest fault is, I hold grudges and my heart won't allow me to forget. I'm working on this....


'A' is doing well, considering where we've been and I've been able to breathe some. In the process of trying to move forward, I feel like I've lost some of myself through all of this and haven't figured out if/how I will get all of me back. There are so many lessons to be learned and I cannot wait until I get to the point where I can look back and be at peace, knowing that this has only made me a stronger person.


I want to acknowledge and thank those who actually read this. A lot of people that I had no clue about them knowing the journey that I've been on with 'A', have sent their well wishes and support. Thank you! It REALLY means a lot to know that I'm...We're not alone.

Ughhhh

We've suspected for quite some time that 'As' father has not been giving her, her meds and we've recently gotten confirmation. She's recently developed headaches on the days that she returned from her fathers care and when she comes from his house, she is VERY unstable and it usually takes a day or two or even three(now) to get her back to relative stability. I got confirmation by two psychiatrists that lithium can cause headaches when it is not taken consistently, especially when it is not at a therapeutic level (which she wasn't until a few days ago). Now that 'A' is comfortable with taking the meds and knows that they actually help, she is very compliant and often reminds us when it's time to take them. She's told her psychiatrist and social worker on more than one occasion that her father has not been consistently giving her, her medication. We were told not to question her about it but to wait until she volunteered the information and sure enough, she did. When we questioned her about why she didn't remind him like she reminds us...her response was that she was afraid because her father has "anger issues....maybe he's bipolar". So, here we are unable to prove that he's not giving her medication but all the signs say he's not. How do I prove that in court?

A few days ago, I received a ltter from the Guardian Ad Litem and the subject was the fact that I have a block on my phone and when 'A' calls her father, he is unavailable but cannot call her back because of the block. Well, I put the block on the phone because for years, her father has had no impulse control and not respected the boundaries that I have repeatedly made clear. He would often call several times a day and at all hours of the day. Whenever the thought crossed his mind, he would call. He would back his calls off to 1-2 a day and after a week they'd gradually increase to several times. This has been an issue with many that were involved with him. About 3 yrs ago, one of therapists called me with the concern that he was calling her a minimum of 23 times a day. No...that was not a typo. She couldn't answer the calls but the fact that he dialed her that many times shows that we are not dealing with someone whose elevator goes to the top. I encourage 'A' to call her father once a day but anything more than that can lead to an unhealthy relationship. As a matter of fact, it was the recommendation of several therapists that her calls to him be limited and vice versa. It DID get unhealthy and he began questioning her when she was too busy to call him... Almost like a jealous boyfriend, questioning his girlfriend. SICK SHIT!!

Ok...back to the letter that the Guardian ad litem wrote. I responded to the letter via email last night and I have yet to receive a response. Here is what I wrote"

I just received your letter in the mail and I have no problem doing what you suggested as long as Mr. ___________respects my home and maintains healthy boundaries with 'A'. As I've told you in the past, frequent and disruptive phone calls have been an ongoing problem for several years despite my many requests. I just feel it neccesary to make you aware of the fact that 'A' calls and speaks to her father on a daily basis. I would never interrupt this routine unless it became detrimental to her well-being. I really don't think that Mr. _________ issue with the phone calls are about 'A', but more personal in nature.

Before I begin with the next subject, I want to make my intent known that I am speaking as a concerned mother and my intent is not of disrespect. It bothers me that I have communicated with you via email and phone about my concerns with 'A' not getting her medication when she is with her father, and have yet to get a response from you. So, it troubles me greatly that I received the recent letter from you regarding phone calls when 'A's stability is a much more urgent and serious matter. It has come up on several occasions and with several people that she is not consistently getting her medication when with her father. It came up again yesterday, when 'A' spoke privately with her psychiatrist. I was made aware of it when her psychiatrist privately spoke to me and addressed her concerns about this very serious matter. I shared with her, my feelings of helplessness and frustration because I am bound to this court order when my child is suffering. No one wants this case that never should have begun, to be over more than I, but I'm asking you as a desperate and frustrated mother, that you, as one that I am obligated to compensate as a legal representative in the best interest of 'A', to address and investigate this very serious issue. Lately, my daughter has frequent homicidal and suicidal thoughts and I will do everything within my power to help her and advocate for her.


I go to court tomorrow for pretrial #5..or 6. I lost count! If there is no resolve, the next step is a trial. I spoke to my attorney today and he dropped a bomb on me and told me that the Guardian Ad Litem made a comment that she is in favor of shared parenting. All this after she made two recommendations against shared parenting. I'm not being overly sensitive by saying she is NOT and has not been working in the best interest of 'A'. My guess is that "A's father has been calling and emailing her constantly and has somehow got her ear. This is a nightmare and at this point it would slow things up and cost A LOT more money if I requested a new guardian ad litem. I'm so over this...

All of the court shit on top of 'A's instability is too much. I love 'A' very much but when she's mean and oppositional, she really gets to me. It makes me question why I'm going through all of this with the court... Then, she comes back and she's sweet and loving and a wonderful daughter and sister....until tomorrow and we go through all over again.

Please send your positive thoughts our way!

Schizophrenia in Children: Families Grapple With Costs, Emotional and Financial - ABC News

Schizophrenia in Children: Families Grapple With Costs, Emotional and Financial - ABC News

The video of Brenna is about the family on Dr. Phil that I previously blogged about. Now I'm even mored angry with Dr. Phil for exploiting this poor family. I'm sure the reason why they reached out to Dr. Phil was because they were desperate to get help for their poor daughters in addition to raising awareness about the realities of families living with children with mental illness.

I watched the video while at work and it brought me to tears to see how much tortured Brenna is and how the rest of her family is suffering trying to stay afloat....dealing with Brenna and her sister, fighting to get treatment for her, fighting insurance companies and desperately searching for hospitals to admit and treat her. I've been there and it's a horrible place to be. My positive thoughts and prayers go out to this family and other families enduring this pain.

We're sorry but your request has been denied....

In preparation for his retirement, (I know he's too young but in his line of work, you are elligible after 20yrs and must retire by a certain age) my husband has been reviewing and double-checking to make sure all is in order. He discovered that there was some oversight and there were no life insurance policies for 'A' and me. So, he completed and submitted an application for the two of us. A few weeks later, my application was excepted and my coverage began but 'As' application was still being reviewed. We began to wonder and then worry... Could they really deny a 10yr old child coverage and why? Well, if you recall filling out applications for life insurance policies, there are some questions that ask if you have any on-going illnesses..etc, and any kind of mental illness. Well, you know what happened...

So, here it stands....my 10 year old child, who other than her bipolar diagnosis, is a very healthy girl, cannot get life insurance and I'm sure this will follow her for the rest of her life. It sickens me that many living with mental illness, in spite of being completely functional, professional, and successful, better start putting money aside as soon as they become adults because their families will have to carry the heavy burden of their burial and other expenses. I think I'd like to retract the word "sickens", and insert infuriates me..... that ignorant rich bastards are making these determinations and often devastating families when they are left to see to these people when they pass away.

I don't mean to sound morbid but just "keeping it real".....I don't understand why one with a mental illness is not covered because the only obvious risk/fatality involved would be suicide and...someone please correct me if I'm wrong, suicide deaths are not covered under life insurance policies. Ughhh!!!! People with Mental illnesses can/do get sick and injured and sadly, succumb to illnesses and accidents just like "normal" people. Having a mental illness does not make one more susceptible!!!!!! A lot of work needs to be done to educate the world and abolish these horrible stigmas!!!!

Should I even bother to appeal?

Next post will be about 'A' and the return of instability....

Birthdays...Friends....Dr. Phil and More Court...

I know it's quite a heading but I haven't had the chance to post and I figured I better get it all in on one post.

Ok... My sweet, darling, intelligent, ecclectic, eccentric little girl is now 10. In one sense, I still feel like a 23 yr old new mother and in another...I just feel like I've already lived quite a long life. Thinking back to when 'A' was born, I was soooo in love. I don't think I've ever had that feeling of being so proud and enamored with anyone before. She was just perfect. Beautiful...gorgeous. She came out with a head full of black--black hair and beautiful brown eyes and I just couldn't believe that she came from me. Having her in my arms totally made me forget about what a miserable pregnancy I had and I was on a mission to finish move on with my life (without her father), finish school, and be the best mother and provider that I could. I remember the first week of her life, just looking at this perfect baby and crying...I now know it was mostly the hormones getting to me. I never could understand the expression of being choked up but looking at her, playing with her, interacting with her was amazing to me and it honestly took my breath away. In spite of all that has happened in her 10 short years...I honestly love being a mother.

Enough of that mush... I had a laser tag party for 'A' and let me tell you, I had just as much fun, or more...than the kids. Anyway, as the day of her party approached I got nervous because no one RSVP'd. I hoped that people were just being trifling and were going to show up at the place. I don't need to say much other than...it happened. None of her classmates showed up to the party. My heart broke for her when she came to me crying about no one showing up, I reminded her that she had a room full of family that supported her and loved her and that was whats most important. But...you dont' want to hear that shit when you're 10. I know. It breaks my heart that she has not one friend...I cry for her. I so want her to have friends but I know what happens when it gets past the "honeymoon phase". She can become very controlling, possessive, and mean and these are all things that I've tried and tried to make her aware of and help her through. I was a different kind of kid...and never had a bunch of friends. Hell, I'm a different kind of person now and I don't fit into any category now nor do I want to and I'm alright with not having a bunch of good friends. However, adults are more accepting...I guess....well, sometimes. Anyway, My hopes for 'A' are that she is able to have healthy relationships in the future. Her one cousin was her unofficial best friend until 'A' had a terrible "episode" while she was visiting over break. Sigh...

Ok...Dr. Phil...
I guess he's not as bad as I thought. He did a story on a couple in Michigan who hired a surrogate to have their child and when the surrogate found out that the woman that hired her had an unspecified psychotic disorder, she took the babies (twins) back after their birth. I guess the laws are kinda funky in Michigan where the surrogate has rights until an official adoption has been made. Dr. Phil, surprisingly impressed me when he showed his total disgust and disagreement with the surrogates actions. What an unthinkable thing to do and how devastated this couple must have been. The mother provided documented proof that she hadn't had a psychotic episode in over 8yrs, had maintained a good job for 20yrs, and was stable for yrs on medication. My heart breaks for this couple who thought they were going to be parents of the many victims of ignorant people who look at mental illness like this. I'm sure the surrogat mother wouldn't have taken back a baby if the hired mother once had cancer. Ughh....we've got a long way to go in raising awareness about mental illness!!

Ok, court... Well, it continues. My ex is still fighting this.... He still wants shared parenting even though the Guardian ad Litem has made a recommendation that no custody changes be made. I wont tell you how expensive this has gotten but it's gone in the thousands and my guess is that, it will go to trial because my ex is too much of a fucking idiot to let it go. So, people ask me all the time what he's doing. I don't know. People have told me their thoughts... (This all started when I asked him to pay 1/2 of her medical bills-((which he's responsible for 90+%)) Others think that he hasn't moved on and still carries a torch (he hasn't been in a relationship since we divorced 10 YEARS AGO). It did all started when I made/enforced boundaries after I got married again and had another child. Whatever it is....it needs to end soon. It's really taking a toll on my family and friends--emotionally and financially. I just wish he'd get a damn life, realize its going nowhere and end it!!! I have another court date in a couple weeks...Yippee...more wasted time, stress and $$$.

Forgive me for the typos....Raspberry Riesling has been my keyboard companion.

An unquiet mind...

I love sleep and it seems that everytime I lay down to take a nap or go to bed, my mind won't rest. I can't imagine what 'A' sometimes goes through because her unquiet mind is often full of dark, lonely and scary thoughts. Mine is just full of everything and I must say, I generate some great ideas during these periods.

I look forward to knowing what 2010 will bring but also fear it. This horrible illness wreaked havoc on my family in 2009 and I'm not so sure if my relationship with my husband can endure another period of extreme instability. During my restlessness, the memory of 'A' when she was quickly spiralling downward and asking me to choke her because she wanted to die, keeps replaying in my mind. I will do everything within my power for my child not to suffer like that ever again in her life.

People keep warning me about what will happen when 'A' reaches her teenage years and the "hormones start kicking in". I've heard many horror stories and it scares the shit out of me....my stepson has started heading down the wrong path but he has very little parenting.... and that's another story. I've also heard from others that adolescents brought on stability and awareness for their children and their lives made positive changes. Please let this be the case for our family!

'A' hasn't been manic since I posted last. I am hoping that the mania was induced by exhaustion. We have been on the go for over 2 weeks and I think it just caught up to her. She actually slept in until 8:30am yesterday! I will be crossing my fingers and holding my breath.

The court battle still continues. I have yet to understand why we're still wasting hundreds of dollars when 'A's court appointed attorney made the reccomendation that no changes be made with custody. 'A's father has yet to pay a dime of any of her medical bills and I had to withdraw my retirement account to pay for them.

'A' is becoming more and more angry with her father and we are trying to understand why. We had to block his phone numbers from calling our home because he was so disruptive to our home, calling several times a day. I've tried to make clear boundaries and asked him for years to limit his calls to once a day and she has even questioned him about why he calls so often. When she is busy and can't call him, he questions her and it has become very unhealthy. She says that he has anger issues and they are constantly arguing. She basically describes herself as walking on eggshells when she is with him because he has explosive episodes. She has now gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go to his house but feels obligated. I know that I am going against the temporary visitation schedule by telling her that she doesn't have to go with him, but her stability, and well-being is what's most important. Do I need the break of having a day of downtime....yes but this is what I signed up for when I chose to be a parent and I live for my family...perhaps I'll relax in 20 more years?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!