An aching heart

My husband and I went to visit 'A' this evening in the hospital. She greeted us with a glassy-eyes, a beautiful smile and huge hug. It took all I had to hold the tears back. Because she is what they described to be equivalent to a "repeat offender", they have her in isolation from the others, making her sit at a desk, completing worksheets all day. No television, no significant human contact...just "busy work" and sleep. She begged us to take her home...promised to do better but we explained to her our fears and concerns with bringing her home without a plan or any real changes. My husband and I discussed our frustration and helplessness on the ride home even he was tempted to bring her home with us. Realistically, we know that we can't but who knows if we'll even get the help that we need.

When 'A' stepped away, my husband and I discussed the possible reasons why she was being treated like a criminal and even tried to rationalize things...thinking they were possibly trying to trigger an episode like those she has at home. Before we left, I spoke to a nurse and asked her to explain her isolation and she told me that this is how they do things when children are readmitted during a short period of time. So, my explanation was that 'A' did not want to even return to the hospital but was there because she has an illness and cannot control her emotions in certain situations and environments. I reminded her that her meds weren't even adjusted last time she was in the hospital and I asked why she is being punished. Her reponse was...'A's issues are behavioral. I had to walk away or they'd be admitting me for a psychotic episode.

Why is it that no one seems to understand a fucking thing? If the mental health "professionals" cant find it in the diagnostic manual, it's like it cannot or does not exist. They leave no room for gray areas and definitely no room for these illnesses/symptoms to ever be exclusive to the individual. Every damn book that I read on pediatric bipolar disorder describes how, for whatever reason, some kids have the ability to internalize their emotions, only to eventually unload at home or wherever or with whomever they find safe zones or safe people. So, here we are...once again, having to prove ourselves and educate the so called professionals.

I have a meeting with the social worker and psychiatrist tomorrow and I will come with videos to prove that she does have triggers and rage like the other kids in the hospital...everyday!

I made the mistake of talking to her father this morning...he still keeps getting at taking her off her meds and having her live with him. She might completely lose ground and never come back if I allow that.

I also did some research on similar disorders... Her recent symptoms look more like something called schizoaffective disorder.

My husband and I are determined to walk out of the meeting with a plan...something. My heart just aches.... 2 1/2 more weeks until her big appointment and it cannot come any sooner!!!