A new school year...

Tomorrow starts a new school year and 'A' will be a fifth grader. Unfortunately, she'll already be missing part of her school day so that she can go see her psychiatrist. I can't voice my frustration enough with her psychiatrist and her office. The office was aware that 'A' was recently in the hospital and when I asked for an emergency appointment, they gave me the end of the week. Luckily, someone canceled and we were able to get in.

Since her discharge from the hospital, 'A' has been cycling all day, everyday. I was so hopeful that she was better and that this could possibly be a relatively stable, peaceful and happy school year. One moment she's manipulating, lying, screaming, teasing or aggravating her sister, telling us that she going to poison us, telling us she wants to die, trying to get us to physically fight her and the next moment... she's fine--happy, being a great sister, being helpful, telling us how she's feeling better and going to do better in the future. Then there's a trigger (from wanting something she can't have to her sister crying)or sometimes none and that negative behavior starts up again. I can't express how ugly and wicked this disorder is...it turns her into a creature that feeds off of cruelty and chaos and does anything and everything to suck you in. Surprisingly, my father is doing his best to be helpful but even he has no clue. He told me to just "talk to her, get her to do thing with me, go for a walk,"...etc...etc. Well, he quickly learned after spending a few hours with us, that when she is in that unstable mode, there is nothing that you can say or do that will distract her until she/the disorder has cycled through. She has also been ravenously hungry...this is partially because of the medicine but also an indicator of increased instability. In fact, her psychiatrist advised me to give her a certain medicine that she used to take which basically slows her down or stops the mania, only when she is increasingly unstable. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I gave it to her but I did give her some a couple days ago and it did absolutely nothing....for me, another indicator that she is quickly spiraling into extreme instability and/or cycling in and out of psychosis.

2 days ago, I just had to leave the house and sit on the porch because it was too much for me. I sat on the front steps with tears pouring down my face...feeling once again, helpless. I called and left a message for her psychiatrist who got back to me very quickly (normally it's about 24+hrs later) and felt even more helpless after getting off the phone with her. She claimed that the hospital said that they were going to increase her meds and the hospital told me that she advised them not to. So...who to believe? But wait.. who the fuck cares? I have a child that keeps cycling into psychosis and all the psych told me to do was either give her benadryl or increase one of her meds to basically sedate her. I asked the psych if I should continue basically sedating her all day and her response was....it's behavioral because she is always fine in the hospital. It took all I had not to totally go off but I reminded her that this is NOT my daughter nor the way she wants to act. I'm not a perfect parent but there is consistency yet flexibility, rules and consequences in my home when she is stable and even when she is not. I have read in just about every book that for whatever reasons, children with bp can often "hold it together" in certain situations (often school) for short period of time and then unload at home or with those closest to them. Some say there is actually a chemical interaction/response/exchange when a child is the company of their mother. There is so much research needed... I even called the hospital because they told me to call back with any other issues....big mistake. The nurse spewed the whole "behavioral" word at me too but told me to bring her in if I wanted and she could be reevaluated. I had to choose between semi-sedation at home or back in the hospital where she could easily come home even more unstable. So, I gave her an extra half of a pill and it totally knocked her out. She couldn't keep her head up, or keep her eyes open...the evening was uneventful, only because she slept most of it away. I feel so guilty and angry that tears well up in my eyes everytime I think about how unfair it is that she's been tortured for so long and robbed of a happy childhood full of playing outside, friends, sleepovers, parties and just "normal kid stuff"....probably things most parents take for granted.

Today, I finally made the decision to take her to an institute that specializes in Pediatric Mood disorders. The head of the institute is the author of "What works for bipolar kids" and rated as one of the U.S. top psychiatrists by two different sources. I've heard from many that she "gets it" and has brought stability to many families. It's very expensive (they don't accept insurance) and I have to make the drive to Chicago but hey, we as parents, do what we have to do and if it means that 'A' will be happy, have less-anxiety, decreased depression and mood swings, and live a "normal" 10yr old life...12hrs of travelling every few months is nothing!