Please God, not again...

I type this as a I take a break from rummaging through my library of books on bipolar disorder in children. Once again, I'm immersing myself in these many chapters...hoping that there's something else...praying that perhaps I overlooked something that could possibly turn her around and help this poor suffering girl and our family.

'A' just got back from her 3 night stay at the hospital and the 2 days that she has been home have been more than challenging. She's stayed out of the hospital for over a year and I don't think I even battled with making the decision of having her admitted during that whole time. Don't get me wrong, times were very rocky and tumultuous but nothing like what we experienced earlier this week. After spending a week with her father, she came home agitated which quickly led to anger and then quickly led to depression. This was clearly depression where before she was often in a mixed-state and it was difficult to identify the depressive moments through the mania. All she thought about was how angry she was with her father, how much she hated herself and how much she wished to die. Everything that she came in contact with, she thought of ways to use it to end her life. She would jerk her body back and forth, almost trying to jolt herself back into reality and into feeling like herself and behavior that was once outward (destructive to everything and everyone around her) became inward. Then suddenly, she'd snap out of it and behave "normal" only to return back into that helpless world. We thought that she would sleep it off and be better the next day like she normally does a day or so after visiting with her father but this time, her first words after waking up were "I hate my father, I hate myself, I want to die." She kept asking for help and asking to talk to someone but we're in between therapists and finding a decent one is more than a challenge. You can't ignore this behavior so I decided it was time to take her in. I don't think that she was home 24hrs before I took her into the hospital. My father and step-mother did not want me to take her in...my father asked that I take her to his house but I told him that was a temporary fix. She might feel better for a period, hold it together as best as she could but come home and unload, and perhaps even worse than before.

Intake was about 5hrs and there were times that she got aggitated and projecting her frustration on me and I spent a lot of time outside her room, looking in on her because of this. Finally, she was taken up to the unit and we said our goodbyes. Before I left, she asked that I not tell her father because, "he'll be so mad at me". I had to explain once again that I had full custody of her and under no circumstances should they talk to him before me or make any decisions for her. (last time he told them that nothing was wrong with her and they were ready to release her) It was so surreal going through that once again....having to leave my baby in the hospital for the 5th time in her short 10yrs of life.

I didn't even call 'A's' father...just left him an email because I knew that if I called...it would be the same ole shit...I'd be verbally attacked, etc. etc. He would tell me what a "perfect little girl she was and what a great time they had and then say she got really anxious before coming home". So, basically blame me for her behavior. I did as I was supposed to...I told him. Sure enough...his response was as I said.


I made arrangements for my step-mother to go see her and I spoke with 'A' on the phone. I was on the phone and in the office of her previous therapist, trying to get it started again. Her therapy wasn't covered by insurance and based on a sliding fee scale, we were expected to pay $1100/month. I filed appeals with no success but since my husband retired in the last couple weeks, our income has dropped, making the fee more reasonable. The only trouble with restarting therapy was, my ex-husband appears to still be in denial of her diagnosis and treatment because he hadn't paid them in months. They wanted the full ammount before she came back. I can go on for years about how grossly flawed our court system is, to give clueless and irresponsible parents all the rights they desire. They don't have to pay a dime to support the children and the brunt of the support is placed upon the primary caregiver. Let's think about this...I spent a year in court battling my ex-husband who owes thousands of dollars in support for our child's care, spent thousands of dollars for an idiotic guadian ad litem, spent thousands of dollars on an attorney, wasted time that I could have been devoted to my family and spent time away from my job. I'm even getting billed for court fees on a custody case that i didn't even file!!! So unfair and this asshole continues to not support his child while they give him as much visitation and even more than he desires. Visitation that I warned the court could be detrimental to my daughter's stability. They didn't care because it's all about "parental rights"...not about the children and in this case, a special needs child. You pretty much have to beat the shit out of a child for "parental rights" to be revoked and even then that's only temporary. I have family members and friends whose "baby daddy's" haven't paid shit for years, and they still have rights to come and go as they please. Excuse my language but That's really FUCKED UP! (Ok...I've stepped off of my soapbox)

'A'She shared with me that she was doing a lot of talking and crying...something that she wasn't able to do at her previous stays. 'A' also called my mother and asked her to be there when her father visited so I picked my mother up on my way to evening visiting hours. She was still very down and tearful, and said she felt "like she was in jail" as tears poured down her facel. Hearing her say that just broke my heart and my mothers too. We cried and I held her.

The next day, we met with the hospital social worker and the psychiatrist. We told the social worker our concerns, Aminah spoke quite a bit and shared with us her fears regarding her father. She told us that he scares her and manipulates her into thinking that he's having a heart attack when she begins to melt down. The social worker shared her concerns with boundaries but recommended that 'A' take a break from the lengthy and frequent visits with her father until 'A' learns better coping skills. She also mentioned that she would suggest therapy for him. Sounded like a great plan until she met with him and I'm sure he fed her the same shit and obviously she bought it and told me that she "didn't want to take sides". My response was that it's not about taking sides...it's about advocating for and acting in the best interest of 'A'. Like normal, 'A' was very agreeable and pleasant while in the hospital. So, they released her without a med adjustment and just recommended continued therapy. I went to get her from the hospital, thinking this would soon be behind us and she'd be able to start a new school year relatively stable.


To be Continued....