Can anyone hear us!?!?!

Tonight, I whispered, "I love you" and kissed 'A' on her forehead before I left her, once again in the hospital. I'm sure I sound like a broken record but...I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated and helpless, I feel right now. This is 'A's sixth hospital stay in a year and a half period! We have to do or find something that works...

This past weekend has been more than hectic, with a very unstable child and preparing for my husband's retirement party. All week, 'A' has been struggling with stability and I believe, having episodes of psychosis. She started school last week, which has always been a trigger for her. Thankfully, she still maintains the ability to internalize her emotions until she gets home. All I can say is, at least there we have that. Because of a cancellation, she was able to get an appointment with her psychiatrist on the first day of school. 'A' became hypomanic in her office but did not lose complete control, like in the past. Her psych put her on, yet another med (this makes 4) because she STILL believes 'A' has ADHD but this one is, at least, a non-stimulant. It has proven to be absolutely uselsess in controlling her rapid-cycling or even slowing the mania. Why??? Because 'A' does not have ADHD....she has bipolar disorder with acute mania!!! ( I wish I had the time, brains, and money to go back to school for a degree in psychiatry.) In the last week, she has started to go through periods where she gets this glazed over look on her face, appears intoxicated, speaks incoherently, sometimes becomes paranoid, paces and appears to be speaking her own language. I even recorded the episodes and sent them to her doctor....the worthless doctor that has yet to respond to me after 4 days. I thought these new symptoms could be because of the new med, so I stopped giving it to her...sure wish I had a doctor to consult. RIDICULOUSLY FRUSTRATING!

We did have a nice break from the instability and chaos while 'A's step-sister came to spend the weekend with us for the party. I found that breaks from her routine and constant stimulation help to keep her from sinking into instability. Our special visitor and the party were great distractions but the party only lasted a day, our visitor had to leave, and realistically, it's impossible for me to provide constant stimulation and distractions. Even with the stimulation and distractions, she struggled with maintaining stability.

Things got pretty bad today...and I...WE made the decision that it couldn't go on any longer. So, I made my call to the hospital of choice to see if there were beds available, put my protesting (and psychotic?) daughter in the car as she cried and spoke "her language" until she passed out and made the drive to the hospital. When she arrived they spoke with her, looked into her eyes and noticed her blank affect and fixed pupils, and didn't even bother with getting the psych unit to evaluate her before they admitted her. As I filled out the paperwork in the unit, the nurse reminded me of what a great patient "A" is while there and how he believed this was all "behavioral". I reminded him, as I've had to remind many others, (including her psychiatrist) that this is NOT 'A' and not how she wants to be or feel...and what a loving, bright and caring child she is. Residential and respite were very briefly mentioned and my heart sunk... As it stands now, she's unmanageable and I'm not sure if our home can function with the chaos....but I'm her mom and she's my baby...