An unquiet mind...

I love sleep and it seems that everytime I lay down to take a nap or go to bed, my mind won't rest. I can't imagine what 'A' sometimes goes through because her unquiet mind is often full of dark, lonely and scary thoughts. Mine is just full of everything and I must say, I generate some great ideas during these periods.

I look forward to knowing what 2010 will bring but also fear it. This horrible illness wreaked havoc on my family in 2009 and I'm not so sure if my relationship with my husband can endure another period of extreme instability. During my restlessness, the memory of 'A' when she was quickly spiralling downward and asking me to choke her because she wanted to die, keeps replaying in my mind. I will do everything within my power for my child not to suffer like that ever again in her life.

People keep warning me about what will happen when 'A' reaches her teenage years and the "hormones start kicking in". I've heard many horror stories and it scares the shit out of me....my stepson has started heading down the wrong path but he has very little parenting.... and that's another story. I've also heard from others that adolescents brought on stability and awareness for their children and their lives made positive changes. Please let this be the case for our family!

'A' hasn't been manic since I posted last. I am hoping that the mania was induced by exhaustion. We have been on the go for over 2 weeks and I think it just caught up to her. She actually slept in until 8:30am yesterday! I will be crossing my fingers and holding my breath.

The court battle still continues. I have yet to understand why we're still wasting hundreds of dollars when 'A's court appointed attorney made the reccomendation that no changes be made with custody. 'A's father has yet to pay a dime of any of her medical bills and I had to withdraw my retirement account to pay for them.

'A' is becoming more and more angry with her father and we are trying to understand why. We had to block his phone numbers from calling our home because he was so disruptive to our home, calling several times a day. I've tried to make clear boundaries and asked him for years to limit his calls to once a day and she has even questioned him about why he calls so often. When she is busy and can't call him, he questions her and it has become very unhealthy. She says that he has anger issues and they are constantly arguing. She basically describes herself as walking on eggshells when she is with him because he has explosive episodes. She has now gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go to his house but feels obligated. I know that I am going against the temporary visitation schedule by telling her that she doesn't have to go with him, but her stability, and well-being is what's most important. Do I need the break of having a day of downtime....yes but this is what I signed up for when I chose to be a parent and I live for my family...perhaps I'll relax in 20 more years?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!