The forbidden word--'NO'.

The day after 'A' came from the hospital was draining. I didn't send her to school that day because she was still seemed volatile and needed to be transitioned back to school. She stayed with my mother who later told me that 'A' was very oppositional and insisted on eating. We later went to the mall and all she could think about was stopping at every food shop there. This is a symptom of bipolar disorder and a side-effect of her meds. Later that evening, we spent some family time together and she became playful with my husband and it quickly turned to aggression. I warned her to stop but she refused to or was unable to stop. I sent her to her room (I followed), she shouted suicidal thoughts and opened the window and began climbing out until I restrained her. She began biting and threatening me which then led to her asking me to strangle her. I somehow got her settled but her mind was racing a mile a minute. She eventually got sleepy enough for me to leave and she awoke at 5am the next morning. At some point during this period, 'A' started scratching herself on her face and arms and it was so troubling to add self-mutilation to her list of issues.

When 'A' woke up, she wanted EVERYONE to wake up with her. We woke up to her screaming at us and insisting that we wake up and make her breakfast. She really wanted to get everyone involved with her instability and she manipulated in any way to bring us with her. She found a lighter and gave it to her baby sister and found scissors to threaten with. The days were an unending and exhausting roller coaster of de-escalation, restraint, and guarding everyone in the house from her exploding emotions. Her episodes would often last for several hours which would result in me chasing her around the house and restraining her. I swear--I should be a size 4!!!

One day after school, 'A' got off the school bus aggitated and ready for a fight as she always was. She wanted to have an easter egg hunt then go to Sonic. I told her that her social worker was coming shortly and the easter egg hunt wasn't going to happen. Well, she began to scream and run through the house... but the doorbell rang and she stopped but began again.

I couldn't believe that she was actually displaying this behavior in front of someone else. It's always been our family secret that some only hear of or just overheard in the background. She sliced walls with a pizza cutter, gouged holes in the walls, emptied drawers and cleared shelves. After all these years, someone else was witnessing a rage and it was an intense one! 'A' laughed, cried, screamed, threatened, lied, manipulated and cycled through all these emotions for what seemed like, forever!

I stupidly listened to the social workers advice and locked myself in the bathroom. What a mistake!!! 'A' tore apart the house while the social worker observed from a corner. All I heard was the same screaming and doors slamming and things being thrown and walls being beat on. I couldn't take it anymore and when I opened the door my jaw dropped. The house was trashed and 'A' was still on a rampage. I had no choice but to try to restrain her. About 2hrs later, she got sleepy like she often does after a rage and I was able to let her go where she ran upstairs and uttered some intelligible words and was about to go for round two.










The social worker got her calmed down. She called 'A's dad and told him that he needed to come and get her. He came and took her with him. He kept asking me if this was it with me and 'A'...I couldn't answer that question. I was in shock....my husband came up and saw the damage and couldn't believe we let it happen.... it is still so surreal.