I've talked about 'A's rages but it's so difficult to describe them. I don't wish my worst enemy (well, maybe 1 person)to experience a bp rage. For 'A', I got to a point where I could sometimes see them coming by the wild look in her eyes or her overall mood/actions. I've also learned to be mindful of her triggers. Often, the word "NO" would send her off or not being able to do something that she wanted.
Here is how one book describes a bp rage:
* Often happen at night
* Roars out of nowhere at the drop of a hat
* Takes a predictable course through build-up, explosion, and exhaustion
* Volume of rage is great and could not be imitated
* Gory thinking occurs
* Precious objects are often destroyed
* Child will report the build-up of rage as a sense of heat
* Rage is felt as an entity that takes over the child
* Can be felt as pleasantly energizing for some children
* During rage, child has highly paranoid attitude
Research on bipolar disorder, mainly pediatric bipolar, still appears to be in an early stage. However, they have found that there are differences in certain areas of the brain-mainly the limbic system. This is the primitive system (all animals have this region) of the brain, responsible for recieving sensory information, initiating emotions and sexual behavior which lessens the function of the frontal lobes of the brain (areas of reasoning). Often, "animal" instincts are hightened during certain periods or stimuli which results in a rage. Someone described a rage to me as a primal effect of the brain adjusting the chemical flow. Research has also found that children with Tourettes and Seizure disorders also have the same deficits and overactivity in the brain. This is why individuals with bp are often treated with anti-convulsants because they act as mood stabilizers. There is still so much research to be done!
Here are the stages of a bp rage:
1. DYSPHORIC PHASE- irritation, nothing is comforting, hyper, pestering whining, tormenting others
2. PROVOCATIVE PHASE- Looking for a fight, devilish facial expressing, interrupting phone calls, slamming doors
3. EXPLOSION PHASE- screaming, crying, dilation of pupils, death threats, threatening with objects, wild evasive behavior (This is the point of no return)
4. EXHAUSTION PHASE- child collapses and appears dazed, falls asleep for a period of time, doesn't remember what happened, often remorseful or will not talk about what happened
I'm more than relieved to remark, we only experience phase 1 and 2 now. Although, we've had a setback with the new school year. I hope to get on a routine and with the implemenatation of her IEP (individualized education plan), she will find success and maintain her level of stability.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Residential Treament Center?
'A' spent 3 weeks with her father and during that time I was a miserable wreck.
The thought of sending her to a residential treatment center entered my mind in the past and having no choice but to send her seemed inevitable. I had so many obligations to fulfill...keeping my family healthy and safe and being a nuturing parent was top priority. Before the rage of all rages occured, I had already researched centers and communicated with my insurance company. I was more than shocked when they were very accommodating and helpful in my pursuit to find help for my daughter. The one residential center that others were very pleased with was all the way in Texas but I was growing increasingly desperate to get the help and willing to take her wherever I needed. I have credit cards!! The only thing was, I needed a reccomendation from 'A's psychiatrist or therapist.
When I mentioned an RTC to the social workers, they made it clear that they would not make the recomendation nor did they think that it was an option for one so young. Their case was that 'A' was too young and was still in the formative years where a child needs the care and nuturing of a parent. My case was that she was so unstable that her getting nuturing from a parent was not even a possiblity. Her psychiatrist wasn't ready to make the recommendation even though taking 'A' to see the psych was becoming more and more of challenge. Talk about feeling absolutely vulnerable and hopeless. All that I could do was pray and have positive thoughts about our reunification.
Before this episode, I thought that instability would have been behind us and 'A' would have been better so I planned a respite trip for my husband and youngest to visit his mother in Florida. I have to say...that was the most miserable trips of my life. I was still an emotional wreck and everytime I thought about 'A', tears would fall. She called me several times during the trip, telling me how she wanted things to change, asking me to come home and trying to plan her return home.
It was during this time that my ex called 'A's doctor to have her meds decreased and then accused me of saying I wanted 'A' sedated. ME OF ALL PEOPLE?!?! I absolutely hate the fact that 'A' has to take such heavy duty medications and I've tried everything within my power to keep her away from the meds, and I had been very conservative about the meds/quantities but it's a neccesity for her own health and well-being. So, I heard from my family (because he called everyone in my life to lie about me) about his accusations and the fact that he thought that nothing was wrong with her and wanted her off her meds. When I say I had a miserable time....I mean I had a miserable time!!! I couldn't wait to come home---to insanity from everywhere but I just needed to be home!
'A's father was not happy when I told him that 'A' needed to come back home and his response was that he wanted her to stay with him for a couple years because "A' and I weren't getting along". He also went on to tell me of his plan to take her off her meds because "she didn't act that way with him". Well, that's bullshit! The episodes weren't as intense but he called me with her screaming in the background and him in a panic. He's told me of incidents for years. She even has called me to tell me of episodes. My response to him was...that I am the closest person to 'A' and as difficult as it is for me, I am the one that she feels most comfortable unloading her upon. I also explained, as her doctors and therapists have tried explaining...it would only be a matter of time before she began unloading on him. My fear was that he wouldn't be able to handle her rages as well as I have.
I was hopeful yet tentative when she returned home. I had rehearsed in my mind all of the ways I could avoid a rage by eliminating the word "no" from my vocabulary...because we all found out 'no' was a huge trigger for her. I think that she was home 1/2 hr before she lost control. I can't even tell you what brought it on....because there was NOTHING. She began screaming, running, throwing objects, searching for knives and clearing tables. My husband and I just looked at each other in disbelief. The baby started screaming and crying in fear. We had a plan that I would handle 'A' while he took the baby outside or some place safe. My job was to keep 'A' away from them and to protect her from harming herself. I ended up having to restrain her and during that time, 'A' spit at me, bit me and said some darn right hurtful things. It must have lasted about 1 1/2hr. When it ended, I looked at the bruises on my arms, the exhaustion from having to deal with her set in and I lost control and broke down in tears. 'A' put her arms around me and we hugged as tears ran down our faces. I told her that I loved her very much and wanted her to help me help her.
The doorbell rang and it was 'A's teacher of all people, to drop off some papers that I asked for. When I spoke to her after her visit, she told me that she could tell by the look in my eyes and face that 'A' must have raged before she came.
I was so exhausted from having to sleep with one eye open. My mind wouldn't allow me to sleep. I kept the monitor close to me and on high. Although 'A' loved her baby sister very much, her instability made me unsure of what she was capable of doing to her or the rest of the family. Things got so bad that I could not be left in the house alone with 'A'. Thankfully, my neighbors would help me with the baby when they were home but I couldn't expect or rely on them. I've heard about parents suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have to think that I was suffering from it for some time.
The thought of sending her to a residential treatment center entered my mind in the past and having no choice but to send her seemed inevitable. I had so many obligations to fulfill...keeping my family healthy and safe and being a nuturing parent was top priority. Before the rage of all rages occured, I had already researched centers and communicated with my insurance company. I was more than shocked when they were very accommodating and helpful in my pursuit to find help for my daughter. The one residential center that others were very pleased with was all the way in Texas but I was growing increasingly desperate to get the help and willing to take her wherever I needed. I have credit cards!! The only thing was, I needed a reccomendation from 'A's psychiatrist or therapist.
When I mentioned an RTC to the social workers, they made it clear that they would not make the recomendation nor did they think that it was an option for one so young. Their case was that 'A' was too young and was still in the formative years where a child needs the care and nuturing of a parent. My case was that she was so unstable that her getting nuturing from a parent was not even a possiblity. Her psychiatrist wasn't ready to make the recommendation even though taking 'A' to see the psych was becoming more and more of challenge. Talk about feeling absolutely vulnerable and hopeless. All that I could do was pray and have positive thoughts about our reunification.
Before this episode, I thought that instability would have been behind us and 'A' would have been better so I planned a respite trip for my husband and youngest to visit his mother in Florida. I have to say...that was the most miserable trips of my life. I was still an emotional wreck and everytime I thought about 'A', tears would fall. She called me several times during the trip, telling me how she wanted things to change, asking me to come home and trying to plan her return home.
It was during this time that my ex called 'A's doctor to have her meds decreased and then accused me of saying I wanted 'A' sedated. ME OF ALL PEOPLE?!?! I absolutely hate the fact that 'A' has to take such heavy duty medications and I've tried everything within my power to keep her away from the meds, and I had been very conservative about the meds/quantities but it's a neccesity for her own health and well-being. So, I heard from my family (because he called everyone in my life to lie about me) about his accusations and the fact that he thought that nothing was wrong with her and wanted her off her meds. When I say I had a miserable time....I mean I had a miserable time!!! I couldn't wait to come home---to insanity from everywhere but I just needed to be home!
'A's father was not happy when I told him that 'A' needed to come back home and his response was that he wanted her to stay with him for a couple years because "A' and I weren't getting along". He also went on to tell me of his plan to take her off her meds because "she didn't act that way with him". Well, that's bullshit! The episodes weren't as intense but he called me with her screaming in the background and him in a panic. He's told me of incidents for years. She even has called me to tell me of episodes. My response to him was...that I am the closest person to 'A' and as difficult as it is for me, I am the one that she feels most comfortable unloading her upon. I also explained, as her doctors and therapists have tried explaining...it would only be a matter of time before she began unloading on him. My fear was that he wouldn't be able to handle her rages as well as I have.
I was hopeful yet tentative when she returned home. I had rehearsed in my mind all of the ways I could avoid a rage by eliminating the word "no" from my vocabulary...because we all found out 'no' was a huge trigger for her. I think that she was home 1/2 hr before she lost control. I can't even tell you what brought it on....because there was NOTHING. She began screaming, running, throwing objects, searching for knives and clearing tables. My husband and I just looked at each other in disbelief. The baby started screaming and crying in fear. We had a plan that I would handle 'A' while he took the baby outside or some place safe. My job was to keep 'A' away from them and to protect her from harming herself. I ended up having to restrain her and during that time, 'A' spit at me, bit me and said some darn right hurtful things. It must have lasted about 1 1/2hr. When it ended, I looked at the bruises on my arms, the exhaustion from having to deal with her set in and I lost control and broke down in tears. 'A' put her arms around me and we hugged as tears ran down our faces. I told her that I loved her very much and wanted her to help me help her.
The doorbell rang and it was 'A's teacher of all people, to drop off some papers that I asked for. When I spoke to her after her visit, she told me that she could tell by the look in my eyes and face that 'A' must have raged before she came.
I was so exhausted from having to sleep with one eye open. My mind wouldn't allow me to sleep. I kept the monitor close to me and on high. Although 'A' loved her baby sister very much, her instability made me unsure of what she was capable of doing to her or the rest of the family. Things got so bad that I could not be left in the house alone with 'A'. Thankfully, my neighbors would help me with the baby when they were home but I couldn't expect or rely on them. I've heard about parents suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have to think that I was suffering from it for some time.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Squalene: The Swine Flu Vaccine’s Dirty Little Secret Exposed
Squalene: The Swine Flu Vaccine’s Dirty Little Secret Exposed
Shared via AddThis
I will admit that part of 'A's disorder is hereditary but I also believe it's environmental. This is serious stuff...we REALLY need to think about it!!!
Shared via AddThis
I will admit that part of 'A's disorder is hereditary but I also believe it's environmental. This is serious stuff...we REALLY need to think about it!!!
The forbidden word--'NO'.
The day after 'A' came from the hospital was draining. I didn't send her to school that day because she was still seemed volatile and needed to be transitioned back to school. She stayed with my mother who later told me that 'A' was very oppositional and insisted on eating. We later went to the mall and all she could think about was stopping at every food shop there. This is a symptom of bipolar disorder and a side-effect of her meds. Later that evening, we spent some family time together and she became playful with my husband and it quickly turned to aggression. I warned her to stop but she refused to or was unable to stop. I sent her to her room (I followed), she shouted suicidal thoughts and opened the window and began climbing out until I restrained her. She began biting and threatening me which then led to her asking me to strangle her. I somehow got her settled but her mind was racing a mile a minute. She eventually got sleepy enough for me to leave and she awoke at 5am the next morning. At some point during this period, 'A' started scratching herself on her face and arms and it was so troubling to add self-mutilation to her list of issues.
When 'A' woke up, she wanted EVERYONE to wake up with her. We woke up to her screaming at us and insisting that we wake up and make her breakfast. She really wanted to get everyone involved with her instability and she manipulated in any way to bring us with her. She found a lighter and gave it to her baby sister and found scissors to threaten with. The days were an unending and exhausting roller coaster of de-escalation, restraint, and guarding everyone in the house from her exploding emotions. Her episodes would often last for several hours which would result in me chasing her around the house and restraining her. I swear--I should be a size 4!!!
One day after school, 'A' got off the school bus aggitated and ready for a fight as she always was. She wanted to have an easter egg hunt then go to Sonic. I told her that her social worker was coming shortly and the easter egg hunt wasn't going to happen. Well, she began to scream and run through the house... but the doorbell rang and she stopped but began again.
I couldn't believe that she was actually displaying this behavior in front of someone else. It's always been our family secret that some only hear of or just overheard in the background. She sliced walls with a pizza cutter, gouged holes in the walls, emptied drawers and cleared shelves. After all these years, someone else was witnessing a rage and it was an intense one! 'A' laughed, cried, screamed, threatened, lied, manipulated and cycled through all these emotions for what seemed like, forever!
I stupidly listened to the social workers advice and locked myself in the bathroom. What a mistake!!! 'A' tore apart the house while the social worker observed from a corner. All I heard was the same screaming and doors slamming and things being thrown and walls being beat on. I couldn't take it anymore and when I opened the door my jaw dropped. The house was trashed and 'A' was still on a rampage. I had no choice but to try to restrain her. About 2hrs later, she got sleepy like she often does after a rage and I was able to let her go where she ran upstairs and uttered some intelligible words and was about to go for round two.
The social worker got her calmed down. She called 'A's dad and told him that he needed to come and get her. He came and took her with him. He kept asking me if this was it with me and 'A'...I couldn't answer that question. I was in shock....my husband came up and saw the damage and couldn't believe we let it happen.... it is still so surreal.
When 'A' woke up, she wanted EVERYONE to wake up with her. We woke up to her screaming at us and insisting that we wake up and make her breakfast. She really wanted to get everyone involved with her instability and she manipulated in any way to bring us with her. She found a lighter and gave it to her baby sister and found scissors to threaten with. The days were an unending and exhausting roller coaster of de-escalation, restraint, and guarding everyone in the house from her exploding emotions. Her episodes would often last for several hours which would result in me chasing her around the house and restraining her. I swear--I should be a size 4!!!
One day after school, 'A' got off the school bus aggitated and ready for a fight as she always was. She wanted to have an easter egg hunt then go to Sonic. I told her that her social worker was coming shortly and the easter egg hunt wasn't going to happen. Well, she began to scream and run through the house... but the doorbell rang and she stopped but began again.
I couldn't believe that she was actually displaying this behavior in front of someone else. It's always been our family secret that some only hear of or just overheard in the background. She sliced walls with a pizza cutter, gouged holes in the walls, emptied drawers and cleared shelves. After all these years, someone else was witnessing a rage and it was an intense one! 'A' laughed, cried, screamed, threatened, lied, manipulated and cycled through all these emotions for what seemed like, forever!
I stupidly listened to the social workers advice and locked myself in the bathroom. What a mistake!!! 'A' tore apart the house while the social worker observed from a corner. All I heard was the same screaming and doors slamming and things being thrown and walls being beat on. I couldn't take it anymore and when I opened the door my jaw dropped. The house was trashed and 'A' was still on a rampage. I had no choice but to try to restrain her. About 2hrs later, she got sleepy like she often does after a rage and I was able to let her go where she ran upstairs and uttered some intelligible words and was about to go for round two.
The social worker got her calmed down. She called 'A's dad and told him that he needed to come and get her. He came and took her with him. He kept asking me if this was it with me and 'A'...I couldn't answer that question. I was in shock....my husband came up and saw the damage and couldn't believe we let it happen.... it is still so surreal.
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