Ughhhh

We've suspected for quite some time that 'As' father has not been giving her, her meds and we've recently gotten confirmation. She's recently developed headaches on the days that she returned from her fathers care and when she comes from his house, she is VERY unstable and it usually takes a day or two or even three(now) to get her back to relative stability. I got confirmation by two psychiatrists that lithium can cause headaches when it is not taken consistently, especially when it is not at a therapeutic level (which she wasn't until a few days ago). Now that 'A' is comfortable with taking the meds and knows that they actually help, she is very compliant and often reminds us when it's time to take them. She's told her psychiatrist and social worker on more than one occasion that her father has not been consistently giving her, her medication. We were told not to question her about it but to wait until she volunteered the information and sure enough, she did. When we questioned her about why she didn't remind him like she reminds us...her response was that she was afraid because her father has "anger issues....maybe he's bipolar". So, here we are unable to prove that he's not giving her medication but all the signs say he's not. How do I prove that in court?

A few days ago, I received a ltter from the Guardian Ad Litem and the subject was the fact that I have a block on my phone and when 'A' calls her father, he is unavailable but cannot call her back because of the block. Well, I put the block on the phone because for years, her father has had no impulse control and not respected the boundaries that I have repeatedly made clear. He would often call several times a day and at all hours of the day. Whenever the thought crossed his mind, he would call. He would back his calls off to 1-2 a day and after a week they'd gradually increase to several times. This has been an issue with many that were involved with him. About 3 yrs ago, one of therapists called me with the concern that he was calling her a minimum of 23 times a day. No...that was not a typo. She couldn't answer the calls but the fact that he dialed her that many times shows that we are not dealing with someone whose elevator goes to the top. I encourage 'A' to call her father once a day but anything more than that can lead to an unhealthy relationship. As a matter of fact, it was the recommendation of several therapists that her calls to him be limited and vice versa. It DID get unhealthy and he began questioning her when she was too busy to call him... Almost like a jealous boyfriend, questioning his girlfriend. SICK SHIT!!

Ok...back to the letter that the Guardian ad litem wrote. I responded to the letter via email last night and I have yet to receive a response. Here is what I wrote"

I just received your letter in the mail and I have no problem doing what you suggested as long as Mr. ___________respects my home and maintains healthy boundaries with 'A'. As I've told you in the past, frequent and disruptive phone calls have been an ongoing problem for several years despite my many requests. I just feel it neccesary to make you aware of the fact that 'A' calls and speaks to her father on a daily basis. I would never interrupt this routine unless it became detrimental to her well-being. I really don't think that Mr. _________ issue with the phone calls are about 'A', but more personal in nature.

Before I begin with the next subject, I want to make my intent known that I am speaking as a concerned mother and my intent is not of disrespect. It bothers me that I have communicated with you via email and phone about my concerns with 'A' not getting her medication when she is with her father, and have yet to get a response from you. So, it troubles me greatly that I received the recent letter from you regarding phone calls when 'A's stability is a much more urgent and serious matter. It has come up on several occasions and with several people that she is not consistently getting her medication when with her father. It came up again yesterday, when 'A' spoke privately with her psychiatrist. I was made aware of it when her psychiatrist privately spoke to me and addressed her concerns about this very serious matter. I shared with her, my feelings of helplessness and frustration because I am bound to this court order when my child is suffering. No one wants this case that never should have begun, to be over more than I, but I'm asking you as a desperate and frustrated mother, that you, as one that I am obligated to compensate as a legal representative in the best interest of 'A', to address and investigate this very serious issue. Lately, my daughter has frequent homicidal and suicidal thoughts and I will do everything within my power to help her and advocate for her.


I go to court tomorrow for pretrial #5..or 6. I lost count! If there is no resolve, the next step is a trial. I spoke to my attorney today and he dropped a bomb on me and told me that the Guardian Ad Litem made a comment that she is in favor of shared parenting. All this after she made two recommendations against shared parenting. I'm not being overly sensitive by saying she is NOT and has not been working in the best interest of 'A'. My guess is that "A's father has been calling and emailing her constantly and has somehow got her ear. This is a nightmare and at this point it would slow things up and cost A LOT more money if I requested a new guardian ad litem. I'm so over this...

All of the court shit on top of 'A's instability is too much. I love 'A' very much but when she's mean and oppositional, she really gets to me. It makes me question why I'm going through all of this with the court... Then, she comes back and she's sweet and loving and a wonderful daughter and sister....until tomorrow and we go through all over again.

Please send your positive thoughts our way!

Schizophrenia in Children: Families Grapple With Costs, Emotional and Financial - ABC News

Schizophrenia in Children: Families Grapple With Costs, Emotional and Financial - ABC News

The video of Brenna is about the family on Dr. Phil that I previously blogged about. Now I'm even mored angry with Dr. Phil for exploiting this poor family. I'm sure the reason why they reached out to Dr. Phil was because they were desperate to get help for their poor daughters in addition to raising awareness about the realities of families living with children with mental illness.

I watched the video while at work and it brought me to tears to see how much tortured Brenna is and how the rest of her family is suffering trying to stay afloat....dealing with Brenna and her sister, fighting to get treatment for her, fighting insurance companies and desperately searching for hospitals to admit and treat her. I've been there and it's a horrible place to be. My positive thoughts and prayers go out to this family and other families enduring this pain.

We're sorry but your request has been denied....

In preparation for his retirement, (I know he's too young but in his line of work, you are elligible after 20yrs and must retire by a certain age) my husband has been reviewing and double-checking to make sure all is in order. He discovered that there was some oversight and there were no life insurance policies for 'A' and me. So, he completed and submitted an application for the two of us. A few weeks later, my application was excepted and my coverage began but 'As' application was still being reviewed. We began to wonder and then worry... Could they really deny a 10yr old child coverage and why? Well, if you recall filling out applications for life insurance policies, there are some questions that ask if you have any on-going illnesses..etc, and any kind of mental illness. Well, you know what happened...

So, here it stands....my 10 year old child, who other than her bipolar diagnosis, is a very healthy girl, cannot get life insurance and I'm sure this will follow her for the rest of her life. It sickens me that many living with mental illness, in spite of being completely functional, professional, and successful, better start putting money aside as soon as they become adults because their families will have to carry the heavy burden of their burial and other expenses. I think I'd like to retract the word "sickens", and insert infuriates me..... that ignorant rich bastards are making these determinations and often devastating families when they are left to see to these people when they pass away.

I don't mean to sound morbid but just "keeping it real".....I don't understand why one with a mental illness is not covered because the only obvious risk/fatality involved would be suicide and...someone please correct me if I'm wrong, suicide deaths are not covered under life insurance policies. Ughhh!!!! People with Mental illnesses can/do get sick and injured and sadly, succumb to illnesses and accidents just like "normal" people. Having a mental illness does not make one more susceptible!!!!!! A lot of work needs to be done to educate the world and abolish these horrible stigmas!!!!

Should I even bother to appeal?

Next post will be about 'A' and the return of instability....

Birthdays...Friends....Dr. Phil and More Court...

I know it's quite a heading but I haven't had the chance to post and I figured I better get it all in on one post.

Ok... My sweet, darling, intelligent, ecclectic, eccentric little girl is now 10. In one sense, I still feel like a 23 yr old new mother and in another...I just feel like I've already lived quite a long life. Thinking back to when 'A' was born, I was soooo in love. I don't think I've ever had that feeling of being so proud and enamored with anyone before. She was just perfect. Beautiful...gorgeous. She came out with a head full of black--black hair and beautiful brown eyes and I just couldn't believe that she came from me. Having her in my arms totally made me forget about what a miserable pregnancy I had and I was on a mission to finish move on with my life (without her father), finish school, and be the best mother and provider that I could. I remember the first week of her life, just looking at this perfect baby and crying...I now know it was mostly the hormones getting to me. I never could understand the expression of being choked up but looking at her, playing with her, interacting with her was amazing to me and it honestly took my breath away. In spite of all that has happened in her 10 short years...I honestly love being a mother.

Enough of that mush... I had a laser tag party for 'A' and let me tell you, I had just as much fun, or more...than the kids. Anyway, as the day of her party approached I got nervous because no one RSVP'd. I hoped that people were just being trifling and were going to show up at the place. I don't need to say much other than...it happened. None of her classmates showed up to the party. My heart broke for her when she came to me crying about no one showing up, I reminded her that she had a room full of family that supported her and loved her and that was whats most important. But...you dont' want to hear that shit when you're 10. I know. It breaks my heart that she has not one friend...I cry for her. I so want her to have friends but I know what happens when it gets past the "honeymoon phase". She can become very controlling, possessive, and mean and these are all things that I've tried and tried to make her aware of and help her through. I was a different kind of kid...and never had a bunch of friends. Hell, I'm a different kind of person now and I don't fit into any category now nor do I want to and I'm alright with not having a bunch of good friends. However, adults are more accepting...I guess....well, sometimes. Anyway, My hopes for 'A' are that she is able to have healthy relationships in the future. Her one cousin was her unofficial best friend until 'A' had a terrible "episode" while she was visiting over break. Sigh...

Ok...Dr. Phil...
I guess he's not as bad as I thought. He did a story on a couple in Michigan who hired a surrogate to have their child and when the surrogate found out that the woman that hired her had an unspecified psychotic disorder, she took the babies (twins) back after their birth. I guess the laws are kinda funky in Michigan where the surrogate has rights until an official adoption has been made. Dr. Phil, surprisingly impressed me when he showed his total disgust and disagreement with the surrogates actions. What an unthinkable thing to do and how devastated this couple must have been. The mother provided documented proof that she hadn't had a psychotic episode in over 8yrs, had maintained a good job for 20yrs, and was stable for yrs on medication. My heart breaks for this couple who thought they were going to be parents of the many victims of ignorant people who look at mental illness like this. I'm sure the surrogat mother wouldn't have taken back a baby if the hired mother once had cancer. Ughh....we've got a long way to go in raising awareness about mental illness!!

Ok, court... Well, it continues. My ex is still fighting this.... He still wants shared parenting even though the Guardian ad Litem has made a recommendation that no custody changes be made. I wont tell you how expensive this has gotten but it's gone in the thousands and my guess is that, it will go to trial because my ex is too much of a fucking idiot to let it go. So, people ask me all the time what he's doing. I don't know. People have told me their thoughts... (This all started when I asked him to pay 1/2 of her medical bills-((which he's responsible for 90+%)) Others think that he hasn't moved on and still carries a torch (he hasn't been in a relationship since we divorced 10 YEARS AGO). It did all started when I made/enforced boundaries after I got married again and had another child. Whatever it is....it needs to end soon. It's really taking a toll on my family and friends--emotionally and financially. I just wish he'd get a damn life, realize its going nowhere and end it!!! I have another court date in a couple weeks...Yippee...more wasted time, stress and $$$.

Forgive me for the typos....Raspberry Riesling has been my keyboard companion.

An unquiet mind...

I love sleep and it seems that everytime I lay down to take a nap or go to bed, my mind won't rest. I can't imagine what 'A' sometimes goes through because her unquiet mind is often full of dark, lonely and scary thoughts. Mine is just full of everything and I must say, I generate some great ideas during these periods.

I look forward to knowing what 2010 will bring but also fear it. This horrible illness wreaked havoc on my family in 2009 and I'm not so sure if my relationship with my husband can endure another period of extreme instability. During my restlessness, the memory of 'A' when she was quickly spiralling downward and asking me to choke her because she wanted to die, keeps replaying in my mind. I will do everything within my power for my child not to suffer like that ever again in her life.

People keep warning me about what will happen when 'A' reaches her teenage years and the "hormones start kicking in". I've heard many horror stories and it scares the shit out of me....my stepson has started heading down the wrong path but he has very little parenting.... and that's another story. I've also heard from others that adolescents brought on stability and awareness for their children and their lives made positive changes. Please let this be the case for our family!

'A' hasn't been manic since I posted last. I am hoping that the mania was induced by exhaustion. We have been on the go for over 2 weeks and I think it just caught up to her. She actually slept in until 8:30am yesterday! I will be crossing my fingers and holding my breath.

The court battle still continues. I have yet to understand why we're still wasting hundreds of dollars when 'A's court appointed attorney made the reccomendation that no changes be made with custody. 'A's father has yet to pay a dime of any of her medical bills and I had to withdraw my retirement account to pay for them.

'A' is becoming more and more angry with her father and we are trying to understand why. We had to block his phone numbers from calling our home because he was so disruptive to our home, calling several times a day. I've tried to make clear boundaries and asked him for years to limit his calls to once a day and she has even questioned him about why he calls so often. When she is busy and can't call him, he questions her and it has become very unhealthy. She says that he has anger issues and they are constantly arguing. She basically describes herself as walking on eggshells when she is with him because he has explosive episodes. She has now gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go to his house but feels obligated. I know that I am going against the temporary visitation schedule by telling her that she doesn't have to go with him, but her stability, and well-being is what's most important. Do I need the break of having a day of downtime....yes but this is what I signed up for when I chose to be a parent and I live for my family...perhaps I'll relax in 20 more years?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Trying not to fall into the dark hole of instability but not sure how long we can hold on...

I haven't had much time to write....I've been super busy with life--work, appointments, homework, lessons, work, appointments, homework, lessons and so on.....you get the picture.

Very condensed version. The past few months have progressively gotten more difficult. We had an amazing trip to Florida where 'A' had her first plane ride, met her new grandparents, and visited Disney. She did amazingly well!!! There is some correlation between her instability and her father--she speaks of how she hates him frequently everyday(I know that she loves him) but he is really making her world difficult. Last night was her first tantrum/meltdown/rage--or whatever you want to call it. She complained of her head and ears hurting afterwards. Today, she was manic...doing bizarre things like locking herself in the closet, making strange noises, laughing uncontrollably, eating ravenously and just going a mile a minute. Please send positive thoughts her way because I'm unsure of where to go from here.

More to come later--visitors tomorrow and I have a messy house.

I F*&^ing HATE Dr. Phil

Besides being an opinionated prick, he lives to exploit families that are desperate to get help for their various issues. Dr. Phil once again had another show on children with mental illness, mainly focusing on parenting a child with mental illness. It makes me sick when he does these shows because he almost always points the finger at the parents. He didn't do that this time but still managed to piss me off and spout more fucknuttery.

First, he began by playing footage of a child in a rage and he called it a "tantrum". In the next segment, the parents disclosed the child's diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Dr. Phil had to add that the DSM (manual for diagnosing mental illnesses) does not provide diagnosis criteria for children, as if he was agreeing that children cannot have severe mental health issues like bpd. He also went on to express his disapproval of them labeling themselves with a mental illness because of the stigma attached to mental illness. Hmmm....lets think about this. These children have a legit mental illness where one of the symptoms is rage and he downplays it and labels their behavior, as if they had a choice, as a tantrum, and Dr. Phil worries about how others will treat them. A child with bpd and a parent of a child with bpd doesn't want to be told that their suffering child is just having a tantrum.


Then to make the show even more amusing, he has another psychologist go backstage to talk to the children and he came to resolve that they should try to get alon with one another and control their emotions a little better. HA! Would you tell a person with schizophrenia to stop hearing voices? To make this better, the psychologist is the author of the book, "Retraining the Brain". Hmmm, I'm no mental health professional but, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, ADHD, etc... are brain chemical issues and are WAY beyond just "retraining the brain". Fears, phobias, panic attacks, Pica, Cleptomania etc... (without the presence of any other serious diagnoses) are issues that can possibly be treated by "retraining the brain.

Thank you Dr. Phil for another superb show!